28 April 2020

Future Fantastic:
Spend a few moments writing about your life in future. Imagine that everything has gone well as it possibly could. Be realistic, but imagine that you have worked hard hard & achieved all your goals. Imagine you have become the person you really want to be, and your personal and professional life feels like a dream come true...

Up in the morning I felt very happy. I admired the ring Ajit gave me last night.

I make coffee for us this morning.

Routine begins, Ajit and I go for a run together. Ajit hates it as he runs faster than I do. But today he runs together with me.

Back at home protein shakes, some lunch is packed and we leave together for work.

I send him flowers to work & he calls back when he receives them. He apologises for the past that was behind us.

Day goes on. I call home and speak to folks and my friends about the happy news.

Its smiles everywhere.

After work Ajit and I come back home. Some TV, cooking, more talking about little future we want to build. A lot of love, smiles showering all day.

I sleep in Ajit's arms tonight before he falls asleep, just looking at me.

27 April 2020

Thanksgiving:
There are many things in your life for which to be grateful. These might include having close friends, being in a loving relationship, being part of the supportive family, enjoying good health, having roof over your head or having enough food to eat. Alternatively you might have a job that you love, have happy memories of the past, recently had a nice experience, such as a nice cup of coffee, enjoyed the smile of a stranger, had a dog welcome you home, eaten a great meal or stopped to smell the flowers. Think back over the past week and list three things:

From past one week:

1. Bhopatkar & Max
2. Home
3. Baba

24 April 2020

Reviewing the situation

Think back over the past seven days and make a note of three things that went really well for you. The events might be fairly trivial, such as finding parking space, or more important, such as being offered a new job or opportunity

A job application:
I am really happy with the job application I completed a couple of days ago for this Fair Works job ad. The selection criteria is something that tests my patience and I am happy to receive some help from Rajiv and complete the task in time. The ball is in their court and I am hopeful of completing more applications and finding that one success, which could be this application already in process.

Artwork:
I completed an artwork of an autumnal tree by a lake and its reflection. I don't think I have made anything that good ever in my life so far. I am glad to have found some direction and little success inspires me to do more. In fact I have 'making artwork' on my to-do list today.

Fitness:
I am happy with achieving little goals recently with running everyday. There's always scope for improvement, but the happiness I continuously feel these days stems from fitness goals chasing. 

23 April 2020

Dear...
Think about someone in your life who is very important to you. It might be your partner, a close friend or family member. Imagine you only have one opportunity to tell this person how important they are to you. Now write a short letter to this person, describing how much you care for them and the impact they have had on your life.

Dear Ajit,

How are you?

Breaking news: You are the most important person in my life.

I know you have heard this same thing from me many different times and I will continue saying this.

But I wonder what is it that repels me from you...

I guess there's still equal love in our hearts for each other, but we tend to nurture it in different ways.

You fell in love with me and enjoyed a short roller coaster ride that ended somewhere. When you called it an end is when I started rising more and more in your love. I realised that you are not just a friend I have, not just a partner but you truly bring out the best in me. While you are in love with me, your genuine interest in my well-being and my progress made me want to do better. The same 24 hour day had more happier moments when you were around.

But then you had chosen a path for yourself and there was no space for me to be on it with you at that time. You drifted apart, grew someone else that purposely lost interest in me because that interest if nurtured suddenly crossed lines to explore disputed territories of love & affection. You weren't ready for that yet.

I spent last year being hopeless, depressed & as an alcoholic. There were moments of enjoyment. Some travel. A lot of that was mundane. I lost my internal shine which became visible.

But here I am, Its been over a month now that I haven't had a drink.

Aai's presence and some little exercises are bringing a better version of me

I might learn to shine differently but the curious me, curious about how my Ajit is doing still feels hopeful.

I do wish you contentment Ajit. I know you are not materialistic and memories are more valuable for you. I know there will be a time when those memories about us will come back to you & there will be a dialogue between us two.

Let me evolve a little more. Let me fix that personal shine for a little bit. Let me find a little success too. I do want you to see me dazzling internally as well as externally. Thats when I want you to want to take our selfie & hashtag it as lost and found, love, forever.

Shall we get there together sometime?

Yours only

Abham

22 April 2020

Sorry I got a little too preoccupied and could not keep my promise to the time yesterday. I think I will do two exercises today.

Future Fantastic:
Spend a few moments writing about your life in future. Imagine that everything has gone well as it possibly could. Be realistic, but imagine that you have worked hard hard & achieved all your goals. Imagine you have become the person you really want to be, and your personal and professional life feels like a dream come true...

Its a beautiful morning, I have had a good night's sleep. I wake up & noticed that Ajit is already up and the kettle's warming up the water for our coffee. I lay in bed for little longer and Ajit brings a hot cup of coffee to the bed. Noticing I am up, he wishes me 'Good morning sweetheart' kisses my forehead and tells me like how wonderful he sleeps next to me and I tell him that massaging his head always knocks him out.

Ajit decides to go for a run while I get ready for gym. I run to the gym with Ajit while Ajit continues his run. Back at home after Ajit's perfect run & my satisfying work out, I make some protein shake smoothies for us. Ajit loves them. We get ready for the rest of the day together. Ajit likes some music in the background. Playful, little kisses, little pranks, laughs, we get ready soon.

Ajit & I leave for work together. The work is satisfying for him as well as me. Its a productive day. We text each other here and there.

At work, my dream about that business venture with Ajit comes little closer with some financial approvals. Ajit & I would discuss this in time...

When we finish work, Ajit asks me to wait around Parliament station. He remembers us committing to each other in Treasury Gardens next door and wanted to take me there. I meet him there & we walk to the Treasury Gardens and Ajit goes down on one knee and proposes. I am in shock. Unexpected. I say yes & we kiss. Thats when some of our friends, Ajit had already called show up from nowhere. Some of them had been recording this event on their phone cameras. Congratulations, here's to two of you, kisses, hugs, I knew this was going to happen & lets have a drink!

We go down to Father's office, Elephant & co for a couple of beers & then Ajit takes me to that Brazilian restaurant we went to on one of our first Melbourne dates.

A train back home, I cant take my eyes off Ajit and neither can he.

A mundane day in our lives just turned out to be a memory in making.

We go to bed together & make love.

I roll my fingers through Ajit's hair & he falls asleep while we were still talking how spectacular the day had been. I kiss him again. Turn the lights off & find a spot in his arms again & just the way he loves it, brush my foot on top of his and fall asleep before I knew.

21 April 2020

Couple of days ago I came across this book that I had picked up from the street when I walked back home many months ago. That book laid on my coffee table at times and my shelf some times. I wanted to read that book & see how it would help me.

When I went through first 20 pages yesterday, I was shocked how appropriate this book was for my current state of mind. The state of my mind that it has been over last few months, maybe a year now. I have decided to take this book seriously & enjoy reading it and follow little exercises to get me through to the other side. Not hoping this book will fix all my problems but I would like to be hopeful that the evolvement I am going through, produces a better me.

The written exercises I thought I could practice noting down on my blog, here.

The first exercise was to note down 3 things from past week I was thankful for. I did that part in my journal, before I thought maybe these written pieces could go on the blog for my future readings as well as, to reach my desired audience.

I can also notice that I am more conscious in writing than how I used to be. I might have better vocabulary and I might make lesser grammatical errors, but I used to be proud of my ironic style & right now I do miss that flow that made writing more natural to me back in the day. Lets see how that evolves in times to come.

Things I am happy for: (thoughts gathered on 19th April 2020, refashioned the next day on the blog)
1. Aai. I am thankful for her being here for me in these times. I cannot imagine my life in these silent times. I am sorry for the arguments we have, but those arguments are lined with my love for you.
2. I am thankful for my newly found interest in art. Art is something that I always enjoyed and wanted to explore and get better at, but I never really learnt the techniques that do come naturally to some. Nevertheless, its better to be late than never.
3. The book 59 Seconds. I am thankful that I found this book on the streets that day and yes it took so long for me to get to it to read it, but I got there. Thank you.

Terrific Times:

11th November 2017. Ajit had started talking to me through text messages & I found out that he was visiting Melbourne at that time. We decided to meet up that morning. I remember I woke up early which was quite unusual for me. I checked my phone and Ajit texted to apologise first for the lateness and then asked me if I wanted to meet at such a short notice. I was thrilled. Yes I wanted to meet him. I got ready and I remember calling Max from the car that I was driving to a cafe to meet Ajit and I am looking forward to kissing him... After a couple of coffees & some pleasant and unpleasant topics sweet things did happen. I had to wake up from that dream as I was also suppose to go to the airport to pick my parents up. The rest of the day was spent with Aai-Baba in my car exploring outskirts of Melbourne. I slept that night in a hotel room with Aai-Baba after continued chats with Ajit on texts ended & sweetest sleep overpowered me. It was one of the best days of my life after a long time and I can still feel the thrill that day brought to me & I don't mind reliving each moment of those 24 hours once again just to taste that love.

A

02 Feb 20202 or 02022020

Hi Ajit,

Hope you are doing well.

Hope you are happy. You must be happy actually, I have always asked for that.

But the silence, it haunts me. 

Its still the punishing me with the silence for a long time. 

Just had a dream about you. It felt like you wanted to speak to me, but then you turned around & then I couldn't find you. I woke up. 

I had decided I will give you a lot of space &  not talk or contact you until more foreseeable times. But then I realised, I have not talked to you in person at all since 11 Feb 2019.

I truly feel that a little window to talk to you somehow would make me feel wonders. 

I always feel how bad I made you feel & with words and adjectives I can fill in here cannot fathom the moment you would have felt the moment it happened.

However that moment has gone passed. 

I have suffered. I have lost whatever contact I had with you.

You are stronger though. You used the might and grew stronger.

I realise that you are moving to Sydney now.

Three years ago, around same time we said goodbye to me on a trip to India and you moved to Canberra for a years journey. That journey has taken you little farther now. I am happy for you. I hope you will settle in Sydney smoothly....My faith tells me it will be a good ride.

I will come back to me. I have missed you immensely . I have been punished too harshly. I am just going to send this one email. Through my one primary email, hoping that it reaches you. I know there is lot to be said & talked about. But there is a chance that the news is expired and has no gist to it. Yet, it would be your word against mine. Hopefully all the truth and no whine. Maybe there is a new start. Say hello and I will say I am fine. We don't need to talk about the past until we are all right. Be my friend again for a while?

Please do say 'Fuck Off Abham' - if you actually get to this point & never never want to see me again.

I will be disappointed, but at least that would be better than a year long silence for a while.

Hey, but I do intend to channel a path to normality again. 

Do take a deep breadth, put your foot in my shoe Ajitam and see yourself from 5'7 & look at Ajitam.

He is awesome & I will be persistent as long as I can be to see you smile when you see me.

Looking forward to a miracle. And that miracle is within in you for me, if you talk to me.

Yours,

Abham.

October 24, 2019

God give me that one day when I am sitting on this blog account updating a blog post and I am super happy, content actually.

I know that day is actually going to happen..

January 13, 2019

Hello,

Little indulgent day & some peaceful sleep, I woke up just in time for work. Got ready and went to work all night. I did all my tasks I was suppose to do & then came home through a lot of traffic.

A

January 12, 2019

Hello

Happy New Year 2019!

A lot will happen this year & lots of hopes and wishes are going to come true too.

I still don't have a journal & this is where I think I will try and document my logs from time to time.

A

December 13 2018

It is your graduation day either today or tomorrow.

I wish you an amazing day. Your amazing live smile will be missing in front of my eyes.

But I will be there in your mind.

Find me while I’m there. Lots of love to you. Another congratulations again. I’ll be ready to talk to you when you are ready too.

Yours only

Abham.