December 13 2018

It is your graduation day either today or tomorrow.

I wish you an amazing day. Your amazing live smile will be missing in front of my eyes.

But I will be there in your mind.

Find me while I’m there. Lots of love to you. Another congratulations again. I’ll be ready to talk to you when you are ready too.

Yours only

Abham. 

December 9 2018

Dearest Ajitam

Thank you for talking to me for those 10 seconds. I really appreciate that. I must have upset you really badly and that’s why you wish not to talk to me anymore. I sincerely wish you to be happy and I would like to see that with my eyes from time to time - hence all the contact that I’m trying to make to get you to talk to me and forgive me. 

This could be my last ever attempt to contact you. I feel hurt that you don’t want to talk to me. But if that makes you happy, I think i will have to give up on my urge to talk to you, to see you or to hug you. 

I manifested a few things in my blog over last few months, not sure if you seen them. You know that you always have a special spot in my mind and your presence in some sort makes me content. I will be thinking about you all the time... Christmas (gonna send you a present please), my birthday, New Years ... 

I do feel abandoned and useless and I will sink somewhere and I don’t know but I’ll have to find a meaning to my life again. Your void is being felt immensely for the time. But I think I’m a survivor, nothing wrecks me, I’ll get through this too. 

But you be good, I will always be there for you should you ever need me. If you forgive me, you know where to find me too.

Yours 

Abham. 

October 21, 2018

Then I just thought I had the words to express and the moment passed me by, I forgot what I wanted to say.
One think that keeps echoing in my head is that I love you ajit and that’s not going to change.
I just love this moment when I know I have had an hour long chat with you and I still don’t feel fulfilled. I missed saying how much I love you.
Yes I do want to possess your presence in my life and lock that moment in forever to last.
I see us living a life together where we have that place to ourselves and then there’s place to us as together.
Everyday I know you a little better. I feel your arrogance is the protective shield I can wear.
I am happier when you are there. I do want to impart that happiness to you and mature it
I love you. It isn’t just infatuation. I genuinely miss you.
I see my success in your happiness
I look forward to seeing you soon.
I look forward to dissolve in your arms, your love, your hug
Wake up next to you.
Watch you sleep in my arms
Wake up laying my head still resting in your arms on your chest, hearing your heart beat ‘Abhum Abhum ‘
I wish all the stars for you.
I wish that I walk the journey called life I live holding your hand. Support you when you need strength while you be my ajit, my love, my strength.
I love you ajit 

07 September 2018

This is when the shit hits the roof.
This is when the man at the line asks for couple of two seconds.
This is when everything goes wrong.

Ajit has blocked me off his instagram. Ajit has already blocked me off his whatsapp & he had recently blocked off his facebook messenger.

Here I am spying on him

What do i know for a concrete proof - Nothing.

What did i lose in all that was an altercation - all that i had

What do I do i hope for - everything that involves Ajit back around.

I paid off all my debts today. I am a debt free man as of now.

The only unsigned debt i have is with Ajit when he lent me 3K at one time, once upon a time.

It is in debt. I say that i am in debt with Ajit forever.

I dont know how much of that is whar I have paid.

I dont want to know how much of that has been paid

I love you Ajit,

That is all this pale ale taught me.

I l ove you Ajit

Oh there comes the pinot

Ok I love you less now that I have comfort

Oh No did i forget that them match no your hug

Ajitam Ajitam I love you forever.,

Ajitam Ajitam I love you forever 

30 AUG 2018 2

There was a time Abham got really frustrated with the wait. Every message he sent to his Ajit took longer than ever. He was a man too and to keep Ajit on his toes he sent a message that said he was going to be hooking up with hookers and if nothing worked will go to the gay saunas to get a little bit of affection he needed.. I may have done that, and to be true I was intending to, but i know i cannot.

Anyway I sent this as a message to Ajit and he read it and didnt reply.

Next day I sent him a usual hello and how is he doing and he replied as Ok and one liners.

Tonight though he said that he spoke to someone he was talking to last year and was going to meet on a date this 'weekend'? stirred me up.

He said that he doesnt like empty threats. Now i did not meet anyone but what made me say that was the lack of Ajits lack of communication in any sort?

Yes i said that to stir him up. I am not saying i am a saint but if this date is true is breaking me apart.

Ajit said he was busy with studies and stuff and hence could not talk to me. but then as soon as I break a bomb like that he has the time to think about a connection he missed last year in August? Fuck August.

If he had little time to say Hellos all this while, you know how that would make me feel? I am here to support. I know little i can help in terms of academics that form a real puzzle for him. But then, Can he understand I require him to say pleasantries and how much of an impact do they have on me?

I do love my Ajit and there isnt a way i can get rid of them nor do i have a desire to do so.

I wish him meeting all his deadlines and realising me on the other side.

I wait. I love you Ajit. I am eroding too fast without your love

30 Aug 18

So I played a game and it backfired at me

I thought I use use a rose and see how that goes

I pray that rose has my emotions that it can speak louder than my own words

I do want to live. I do only want to live with you & yours is the only face I see when I think of a near and the dear one.

Help me to help you.

Empower me with your love, your existence & your being.

I do love you my Ajit & it is not a dream.. I am too lonely in my own surrounds.

23 Agug 2018

How do I do tell him that I saw him in the dream.
How do i tell him that i felt the loss when the dream was over
how do i tell him that in the dream that I felt that loss myself and when i woke up

When I woke up i still have him as a hope
the reality is still a hope

He has his own dreams and aspirations that i feel i am not a part of

He has


I will complete this later...

07/08/18

It was a day off for Abhay. He had teed up with Ajit that he was going to meet him in Melbourne that evening and they will have something to eat and then some drinks could follow.

Ajit had a work day that went very slow and he kept looking at the clock every time he could, wishing it was evening already. He had been waiting to see Abhay.

Abhay did all his chores in the day and finally got in the car to drive all the way from Ballarat to South Yarra where Ajit lived. Battling evening traffic Abhay reached Ajit's Walsh Street home after 8! Ajit welcomed Abhay with warmth & helped him find a car parking spot.

Next struggle was to find a place that was still serving dinner that evening! Abhay was under the impression that places would be open & it will be one fine evening. But nothing open appealed to Abhay & Ajit was getting little irate. Finally they found a Subway & ended up buying a foot long sandwich that they took home with them.

Ajit & Abhay went back to Ajit's place. Ajit turned the telly on and the next struggle followed - they had to find a conscience on what to watch on Netflix! They ended up selecting a documentary - India's Daughter!

Hungry boys ate their subway foot longs in no time & stretched their legs under a blanket on Ajit's couch while the documentary rolled. The documentary got a little intense & Ajit's attempts to be little cuddly went in vain as Abhay felt repulsed after watching the film.

Finally the documentary was over, Ajit played some Tame Impala & went out in the balcony. Abhay followed. Abhay said sorry for the lateness & the way he felt watching the doco. Ajit said it was ok. They hugged. They didn't realize how their lips got closer to each others and they kissed. Finally the evening was beginning to get better. They finished little bit of wine that was left & went to the bed.

Abhay slept in Ajit's arms that night. It was little warm for mid-October. The starry skies and Ajits arms felt comfortable. The chatter faded & the dreams cast a spell.

The next morning Abhay's phone went off. Abhay had to go for some 'mice emergency' his then housemate had explained. He could no longer spend more time that morning with Ajit that Ajit wanted so much. Abhay was back on the road already thinking of this as one off date he had had with Ajit & Ajit had been day-dreaming that he had found his soulmate that day...

Little did Abhay know that Ajit was his soulmate too & in times to come, there was going to be seasons, storms & a lifelong of togetherness for them...

06/08/18

It was just another day. Abhay had finished work & he was driving back home. Little tired, he went to the gym thereafter. Another usual shoulder & triceps work out, he came back again. Protein shake, little rest &; some social media, Abhay sat down to relax.

Just then there was a knock on the door & it was none other than Ajit. This caught Abhay off guard. Pleasantly shocked Abhay hugged his Ajit standing at the door and they kissed. Ajit wore black jeans, a white t-shirt and a leather jacket. He looked little dressed up than his usual visits.

Ajit asked Abhay how he was and what was he planning to do that evening. Abhay replied that he had nothing in mind. Ajit told Abhay that he was going out somewhere with him & asked him to put some decent clothes on. Abhay said Ok. Just when Abhay said that, Ajit pulled him closer and kissed him again. This time Ajit closed his eyes, immersed in the moment. So was Abhay...

Moments later Abhay and Ajit walked to Ajit's car and Abhay saw something in the passenger seat. As he got closer, Abhay noticed it was a rose. Abhay opened the door to the car and picked up that rose. Hanging to the stem was a single message Abhay had been longing to receive. The small hanging piece of paper read 'I've always loved you too...'

Abhay read it again, looked over at Ajit standing on the other side of the car now, little fuzzy and warm he almost leaped to get closer to Ajit.

That same moment he felt stuck somewhere as if he couldn't move anymore. Abhay felt helpless and his arm felt numb. His eyes opened then and he noticed his leg was tangled in the blanket and he had slept all night on one side, making his arm go numb. Abhay had woken up to a pleasant dream that's going to be true very soon...

05/08/18

Abhay woke up this morning late. He skipped his gym. He decided to take a rest day & just take it easy. There was a message from Ajit in his phone. Ajit asked him why did he send the video message from the past time & laughed and exclaimed 'gah'. Abhay responded to that he did this because he is a Chubhum - some personal meaningless joke.

Abhay got ready and came to work. Didnt hear anything from Ajit all day.

In Canberra Ajit had been busy organising things for his project due in a few days. He had to make a video for this project and he was going to get grades for cinematography as well. He was going to need some help with that. He thought about Abham a few times in the day. Saw that little clip of video that Abhay had sent last night. Ajit wished Abhay was closer to him today, but then the project was going to get exciting. He had some beers with his friends & decided to chat to Abhay little later.

In Melbourne, Abhay kept looking at his phone for any messages from his Ajit.

Ajit was going to call him later that night & speak to him fondly...

30/07/18

Today Abhay woke up nice and early. Ate his breakfast & went to the gym. He kept looking at his phone every now and then. He had sent Ajit a video of him dancing that he was expecting a reaction for. Seemed like Ajit saw that video, but did not respond yet.

Abhay messaged Ajit later around midday to see how Ajit's day was going and Ajit said it was good. He was feeling better & work was getting done. Abhay Asked him about the video & Ajit said it was lame! Typical Ajit, he seldom uses complimentary adjectives. Abhay moved on from that moment & drove to his work.

Abhay messages Ajit a few times from work whenever he got a chance. Ajit did not respond.

Abhay would notice Ajit being online, but deliberately not messaging him back. So Abhay sent a message if Ajit was ignoring him. Ajit asked Abhay to stop annoying him with an 'lol' in the end. He said he was having a little 'me' time watching TV.

Abhay responded as 'ok bye'.

Ajit felt he was being little rude. He momentarily went on Abhay's instagram page & liked a couple of pictures that he hadn't liked so far. Ajit scrolled down a little bit and missed Abhay one more time that moment.

But then Ajit had to be strict to himself. He knew he is on a mission right now. The UNI needed to be finished. The new job had just started. He needed time to understand himself again. He put the phone away, hoping the thought will fade away too. Abhay however kept clouding his mind.

Ajit decided to send a candid message to his Abham later tonight before he called it a night. 

29/07/18

So here is a new start.

Short stories. They will make sense in time. Some of it is happened. Some of it to take place. Little imagination. Little storyteller Abham presentation! 

---

Last weekend Ajit was sick. Drinking and parties had got to him. Plus the odd hours, life of a full time worker and a student, bad meals made that body cry for some nutrition & much needed rest.

He had come back home earlier than usual from work that Friday and crashed. The Saturday morning he woke up worse. Hungry, he ordered take away food & spent the whole day in the bed.

He got so bad that evening, he had to call the doctors visiting him at home. The doctor checked his pulse and temperature. He had high running fever & low blood pressure. Doctor suggested drinking water & if he didn't improve by morning, to get to the hospital for a drip.

A lot of sleep and some Vicks rubbing probably helped. Ajit woke up little bit better on Sunday.

He had felt lonely this weekend. One of his best friends had left Canberra for a new job in Melbourne. He was going to miss her. Suddenly there was more realization. Ajit had missed his Abham. The love and care Abham had for him & the little annoyance that when absent was making things too quiet for Ajit. He missed him a little...

Ajit had made time to call Abhay back when he would finish work later at night. He was looking forward to hearing that familiar voice he loved.

xo