December 8, 2013
December 5, 2013
5 December 2013
They say that there is a suffering and then there is solace. My struggle seem to be unending. Its been more than a year since I have felt this misery that I am sinking into and I sometimes tend to think that I am in love with this melancholy. Not perfecting it though. Destiny has been kind to get me through on a below average success rate but the struggle to keep up is beyond my capacity some times. I feel like fighting a losing battle. A very slowly losing battle in the field where there are enemies and there is guerrilla war and you never know where the next strike will come from. Sometime it does come from within - entropy they call it, i fight it. And sleep it off and wake up to a new day and find myself smiling at strangers again. Some of them are pleasant too. And a few known faces turn around.
I feel lonely. But they think I am in a lovely place. Its the perspective. Some one in Mumbai is dying in the slums next to the airport that harbours million dollar planes every four and half minutes in its peak times because of lack of medication and food but is surrounded by tremendous love and affection and is ready to knock on the doors of heaven in minutes. But there are also people who live in houses with a view with no one to share that view with sulk and complain how difficult their lives are too. Its the perspective.
Yes i am human and i make mistakes and I am sorry for all those but maybe there is no forgiving this time.
Its cold and wet tonight. my pet - plant is happy after its morning sunlight and a potion of water that i gave it this afternoon. But it tells me in signals that only i can read, another perspective. And yes it is cold. It feels lonely and i am miserable right now.
I feel lonely. But they think I am in a lovely place. Its the perspective. Some one in Mumbai is dying in the slums next to the airport that harbours million dollar planes every four and half minutes in its peak times because of lack of medication and food but is surrounded by tremendous love and affection and is ready to knock on the doors of heaven in minutes. But there are also people who live in houses with a view with no one to share that view with sulk and complain how difficult their lives are too. Its the perspective.
Yes i am human and i make mistakes and I am sorry for all those but maybe there is no forgiving this time.
Its cold and wet tonight. my pet - plant is happy after its morning sunlight and a potion of water that i gave it this afternoon. But it tells me in signals that only i can read, another perspective. And yes it is cold. It feels lonely and i am miserable right now.
November 28, 2013
28 November 2013
I think everything happens for a reason. I know a trillion people said that in the past in thousand other languages in different ways that they could. But the thought was still the same.
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.
May 26, 2013
26 May 2013
There are times when you expect and spend time in void expecting and anticipating. Rohan had a similar day today. He still has no idea where he is leading. He is living with these lovely people and pretending to be happy to be a positive struggler. But the unforeseen future is still in dark. It sits beyond a few cloudy days and cold nights. I hope there is sunlight somewhere.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance.
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance.
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.
May 21, 2013
20 May 2013
...The Bus was bound for Bendigo from Ballarat. And it pulled in to Creswick station. There stood two passengers. A Boy and a girl. Both maybe same age late teenagers. When the door to the bus opened the girl peeped inside and asked the driver if that bus was going to Daylesford. The driver answered affirmative. I was sitting on the front seat opposite to the driver's side so I had a good view. The girl got inside the bus and paid the fare. After that she turned once again towards the boy who was standing outside with his hands folded looking at the girl. She asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to come. He answered negative. Then the girl went out of my sight and probably took a window seat behind me. The door to the bus shut and the bus pulled out of the driveway shortly. Just then I noticed the boy waved at the girl and then the bus was approaching the highway through the town. Thats when the girl from her seat shouted,"Excuse me Sir, could this bus go back to Creswick stop again?" She came up to front and sat next to me to talk to the driver. The driver asked why was that. She said she had forgotten something behind and without that she cant go. The driver then found a spot just outside the road shoulder and pulled in there. The girl got out, now her voice changed a little and spoke walking in the other direction to keep the fare. She had a smile on her face and walked away as the the bus pulled back on the road and led its way to Daylesford. I kept thinking what happened afterwards, and probably I will never ever find that out.
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