December 8, 2013
December 5, 2013
5 December 2013
They say that there is a suffering and then there is solace. My struggle seem to be unending. Its been more than a year since I have felt this misery that I am sinking into and I sometimes tend to think that I am in love with this melancholy. Not perfecting it though. Destiny has been kind to get me through on a below average success rate but the struggle to keep up is beyond my capacity some times. I feel like fighting a losing battle. A very slowly losing battle in the field where there are enemies and there is guerrilla war and you never know where the next strike will come from. Sometime it does come from within - entropy they call it, i fight it. And sleep it off and wake up to a new day and find myself smiling at strangers again. Some of them are pleasant too. And a few known faces turn around.
I feel lonely. But they think I am in a lovely place. Its the perspective. Some one in Mumbai is dying in the slums next to the airport that harbours million dollar planes every four and half minutes in its peak times because of lack of medication and food but is surrounded by tremendous love and affection and is ready to knock on the doors of heaven in minutes. But there are also people who live in houses with a view with no one to share that view with sulk and complain how difficult their lives are too. Its the perspective.
Yes i am human and i make mistakes and I am sorry for all those but maybe there is no forgiving this time.
Its cold and wet tonight. my pet - plant is happy after its morning sunlight and a potion of water that i gave it this afternoon. But it tells me in signals that only i can read, another perspective. And yes it is cold. It feels lonely and i am miserable right now.
I feel lonely. But they think I am in a lovely place. Its the perspective. Some one in Mumbai is dying in the slums next to the airport that harbours million dollar planes every four and half minutes in its peak times because of lack of medication and food but is surrounded by tremendous love and affection and is ready to knock on the doors of heaven in minutes. But there are also people who live in houses with a view with no one to share that view with sulk and complain how difficult their lives are too. Its the perspective.
Yes i am human and i make mistakes and I am sorry for all those but maybe there is no forgiving this time.
Its cold and wet tonight. my pet - plant is happy after its morning sunlight and a potion of water that i gave it this afternoon. But it tells me in signals that only i can read, another perspective. And yes it is cold. It feels lonely and i am miserable right now.
November 28, 2013
28 November 2013
I think everything happens for a reason. I know a trillion people said that in the past in thousand other languages in different ways that they could. But the thought was still the same.
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.
May 26, 2013
26 May 2013
There are times when you expect and spend time in void expecting and anticipating. Rohan had a similar day today. He still has no idea where he is leading. He is living with these lovely people and pretending to be happy to be a positive struggler. But the unforeseen future is still in dark. It sits beyond a few cloudy days and cold nights. I hope there is sunlight somewhere.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance.
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance.
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.
May 21, 2013
20 May 2013
...The Bus was bound for Bendigo from Ballarat. And it pulled in to Creswick station. There stood two passengers. A Boy and a girl. Both maybe same age late teenagers. When the door to the bus opened the girl peeped inside and asked the driver if that bus was going to Daylesford. The driver answered affirmative. I was sitting on the front seat opposite to the driver's side so I had a good view. The girl got inside the bus and paid the fare. After that she turned once again towards the boy who was standing outside with his hands folded looking at the girl. She asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to come. He answered negative. Then the girl went out of my sight and probably took a window seat behind me. The door to the bus shut and the bus pulled out of the driveway shortly. Just then I noticed the boy waved at the girl and then the bus was approaching the highway through the town. Thats when the girl from her seat shouted,"Excuse me Sir, could this bus go back to Creswick stop again?" She came up to front and sat next to me to talk to the driver. The driver asked why was that. She said she had forgotten something behind and without that she cant go. The driver then found a spot just outside the road shoulder and pulled in there. The girl got out, now her voice changed a little and spoke walking in the other direction to keep the fare. She had a smile on her face and walked away as the the bus pulled back on the road and led its way to Daylesford. I kept thinking what happened afterwards, and probably I will never ever find that out.
October 7, 2011
October 7, 2011
Hello,
Another long gap with this post. However the important thing is, expressing this thought through this post.
Just back from the gym and I feel happier as usual. The lower back hurts a little but i think its because its gathering more strength everyday. I think the alcohol consumed day before yesterday has been thrown out of my system and it feels better that I managed to get it out faster than usual.
Ok, I wanted to say that I feel i have changed a little. I have become more emotionless and I seek no company most of the times. I shall elaborate more on this in times to come. I have only come to realisation to it very lately may be after a holiday I might change a bit.
I feel i need to be more successful and I don't see a way to get there even though I am trying hard. More efforts, and better perseverance might get me somewhere.
This is not an end, I think I have hit something or somethings hit me somewhere and its not an injury that needs to be treated, its a transformation in to something more useful more valuable. Well.. thats a hope.
Another long gap with this post. However the important thing is, expressing this thought through this post.
Just back from the gym and I feel happier as usual. The lower back hurts a little but i think its because its gathering more strength everyday. I think the alcohol consumed day before yesterday has been thrown out of my system and it feels better that I managed to get it out faster than usual.
Ok, I wanted to say that I feel i have changed a little. I have become more emotionless and I seek no company most of the times. I shall elaborate more on this in times to come. I have only come to realisation to it very lately may be after a holiday I might change a bit.
I feel i need to be more successful and I don't see a way to get there even though I am trying hard. More efforts, and better perseverance might get me somewhere.
This is not an end, I think I have hit something or somethings hit me somewhere and its not an injury that needs to be treated, its a transformation in to something more useful more valuable. Well.. thats a hope.
August 11, 2011
Aug 11, 2011
Today I realised the cutest baby that was crying in the cutest possible way.. and then her father who was a little grumpy and deprived of sleep getting out of his bed to console her and look after her needs to look at her. I felt my presence there was unneeded but I couldn't get out of the scene as it was scenic to see that father, my friend to do such a thing for his baby : "the fruit of his loins" in such a tender way.
I think this is the luckiest baby that i see in front of my eyes growing up to be a beautiful girl everyday i see her growing...
I think this is the luckiest baby that i see in front of my eyes growing up to be a beautiful girl everyday i see her growing...
July 30, 2011
July 30, 2011
I went for a jog two days ago and ran past a mother and her five year old daughter. As soon as I approached them I overheard the mother asking her daughter to be sorry for something she had said or done or they were going nowhere. The mother appeared to be very angry and would not realise that a stranger is going jog them past however the daughter sees me and then looks back at her mother to make her aware of that for a fraction of a moment. The mother seems to have missed that. The girl now giggles a bit to lighten the tension may be to pass a message to her mother, that this was nothing too serious and is meant to be a joke as now she is embarrassed to be scolded at in public by her mother.
I just realised that moment that the mother was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and behave in a certain way but she forgot to realise that her five year old daughter just learnt to be embarrassed in public without having to teach that lesson in her life exclusively.
I just realised that moment that the mother was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and behave in a certain way but she forgot to realise that her five year old daughter just learnt to be embarrassed in public without having to teach that lesson in her life exclusively.
July 23, 2011
July 23, 2011
There are reasons to be happy, and there are reasons to be not. I like to choose to be happy but I find that as a constant struggle that recently found to be enjoyable. I am afraid though, I don't want to loose interest in this activity...
The other time I woke up in the middle of the night as I had a thought that I can only explain as I hit an abyss: point of no return and blankness when I was regaining alertness while i was still asleep... I wasn't afraid of the end, but I couldn't find a valid explanation to justify life as a struggle that's meant to repeat itself over and over...
That's when I opened my eyes and found myself scared and I looked around in darkness and felt the wall next to my bed to see it was actual, I wanted to feel that this world was not just a creation of my mind and it was actual and the people are real too but that couldn't be explained then. I turned to my laptop and checked emails to get my mind off those thoughts and I felt better...
The other time I woke up in the middle of the night as I had a thought that I can only explain as I hit an abyss: point of no return and blankness when I was regaining alertness while i was still asleep... I wasn't afraid of the end, but I couldn't find a valid explanation to justify life as a struggle that's meant to repeat itself over and over...
That's when I opened my eyes and found myself scared and I looked around in darkness and felt the wall next to my bed to see it was actual, I wanted to feel that this world was not just a creation of my mind and it was actual and the people are real too but that couldn't be explained then. I turned to my laptop and checked emails to get my mind off those thoughts and I felt better...
April 26, 2011
April 26 2011
i have a coffee mug next to a glass full of a JD and coke
and this light blinding me though an edge of a curtain i call as a blind...
i thought i cast my spell through my imagination on this world that this scene was still mine
but i look more into it and i find a janitor cleaning my back yard that i don't even know existed till tonight..
i should still live live behind this blind in a caccoon that i thought that was mine
but little do i know that it might cease to, as the creators have gone wild....
it makes no sense coz i am probably still living on a point and i cant produce a sentence tht i can call that can be dealt as fine,
and I am sorry to that mother that gave me a birth who thought i was the son who can bring the clearer light to her shrine
and i am hopeless that i still exist that I stil exist to bring a hopeless humor and terar to an eye...
a hopeless humor and tear to an eye..
and this light blinding me though an edge of a curtain i call as a blind...
i thought i cast my spell through my imagination on this world that this scene was still mine
but i look more into it and i find a janitor cleaning my back yard that i don't even know existed till tonight..
i should still live live behind this blind in a caccoon that i thought that was mine
but little do i know that it might cease to, as the creators have gone wild....
it makes no sense coz i am probably still living on a point and i cant produce a sentence tht i can call that can be dealt as fine,
and I am sorry to that mother that gave me a birth who thought i was the son who can bring the clearer light to her shrine
and i am hopeless that i still exist that I stil exist to bring a hopeless humor and terar to an eye...
a hopeless humor and tear to an eye..
March 16, 2011
March 16, 2011
Hello,
I have changed the place I live in during last week. This place feels much more comfortable and has a home like appeal with people I call as Friends as subtenants. I hope this goodness continues. Having said that I feel I am getting a little poorer with extensive expenditure on alcohol and on being lost that needs a recovery.
I hope I will get things working well in times to come and be more human than I can imagine.
A
I have changed the place I live in during last week. This place feels much more comfortable and has a home like appeal with people I call as Friends as subtenants. I hope this goodness continues. Having said that I feel I am getting a little poorer with extensive expenditure on alcohol and on being lost that needs a recovery.
I hope I will get things working well in times to come and be more human than I can imagine.
A
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