28 November 2013

I think everything happens for a reason. I know a trillion people said that in the past in thousand other languages in different ways that they could. But the thought was still the same. 
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! 
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.

26 May 2013

There are times when you expect and spend time in void expecting and anticipating. Rohan had a similar day today. He still has no idea where he is leading. He is living with these lovely people and pretending to be happy to be a positive struggler. But the unforeseen future is still in dark. It sits beyond a few cloudy days and cold nights. I hope there is sunlight somewhere.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance. 
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.

20 May 2013

...The Bus was bound for Bendigo from Ballarat. And it pulled in to Creswick station. There stood two passengers. A Boy and a girl. Both maybe same age late teenagers. When the door to the bus opened the girl peeped inside and asked the driver if that bus was going to Daylesford. The driver answered affirmative. I was sitting on the front seat opposite to the driver's side so I had a good view. The girl got inside the bus and paid the fare. After that she turned once again towards the boy who was standing outside with his hands folded looking at the girl. She asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to come. He answered negative. Then the girl went out of my sight and probably took a window seat behind me. The door to the bus shut and the bus pulled out of the driveway shortly. Just then I noticed the boy waved at the girl and then the bus was approaching the highway through the town. Thats when the girl from her seat shouted,"Excuse me Sir, could this bus go back to Creswick stop again?" She came up to front and sat next to me to talk to the driver. The driver asked why was that. She said she had forgotten something behind and without that she cant go. The driver then found a spot just outside the road shoulder and pulled in there. The girl got out, now her voice changed a little and spoke walking in the other direction to keep the fare. She had a smile on her face and walked away as the the bus pulled back on the road and led its way to Daylesford. I kept thinking what happened afterwards, and probably I will never ever find that out.

October 7, 2011

Hello,
Another long gap with this post. However the important thing is, expressing this thought through this post.
Just back from the gym and I feel happier as usual. The lower back hurts a little but i think its because its gathering more strength everyday. I think the alcohol consumed day before yesterday has been thrown out of my system and it feels better that I managed to get it out faster than usual.
Ok, I wanted to say that I feel i have changed a little. I have become more emotionless and I seek no company most of the times. I shall elaborate more on this in times to come. I have only come to realisation to it very lately may be after a holiday I might change a bit.
I feel i need to be more successful and I don't see a  way to get there even though I am trying hard. More efforts, and better perseverance might get me somewhere.
This is not an end, I think I have hit something or somethings hit me somewhere and its not an injury that needs to be treated, its a transformation in to something more useful more valuable. Well.. thats a hope.

Aug 11, 2011

Today I realised the cutest baby that was crying in the cutest possible way.. and then her father who was a little grumpy and deprived of sleep getting out of his bed to console her and look after her needs to look at her. I felt my presence there was unneeded but I couldn't get out of the scene as it was scenic to see that father, my friend to do such a thing for his baby : "the fruit of his loins" in such a tender way.
I think this is the luckiest baby that i see in front of my eyes growing up to be a beautiful girl everyday i see her growing...

July 30, 2011

I went for a jog two days ago and ran past a mother and her five year old daughter. As soon as I approached them I overheard the mother asking her daughter to be sorry for something she had said or done or they were going nowhere. The mother appeared to be very angry and would not realise that a stranger is going jog them past however the daughter sees me and then looks back at her mother to make her aware of that for a fraction of a moment. The mother seems to have missed that. The girl now giggles a bit to lighten the tension may be to pass a message to her mother, that this was nothing too serious and is meant to be a joke as now she is embarrassed to be scolded at in public by her mother.
I just realised that moment that the mother was probably trying to teach her daughter to be polite and behave in a certain way but she forgot to realise that her five year old daughter just learnt to be embarrassed in public without having to teach that lesson in her life exclusively.

July 23, 2011

There are reasons to be happy, and there are reasons to be not. I like to choose to be happy but I find that as a constant struggle that recently found to be enjoyable. I am afraid though, I don't want to loose interest in this activity...
The other time I woke up in the middle of the night as I had a thought that I can only explain as I hit an abyss: point of no return and blankness when I was regaining alertness while i was still asleep... I wasn't afraid of the end, but I couldn't find a valid explanation to justify life as a struggle that's meant to repeat itself over and over...
That's when I opened my eyes and found myself scared and I looked around in darkness and felt the wall next to my bed to see it was actual, I wanted to feel that this world was not just a creation of my mind and it was actual and the people are real too but that couldn't be explained then. I turned to my laptop and checked emails to get my mind off those thoughts and I felt better...

April 26 2011

i have a coffee mug next to a glass full of a JD and coke
and this light blinding me though an edge of a curtain i call as a blind...

i thought i cast my spell through my imagination on this world that this scene was still mine

but i look more into it and i find a janitor cleaning my back yard that i don't even know existed till tonight..
i should still live live behind this blind in a caccoon that i thought that was mine
but little do i know that it might cease to, as the creators have gone wild....

it makes no sense coz i am probably still living on a point and i cant produce a sentence tht i can call that can be dealt as fine,
and I am sorry to that mother that gave me a birth who thought i was the son who can bring the clearer light to her shrine
and i am hopeless that i still exist that I stil exist to bring a hopeless humor and terar to an eye...
a hopeless humor and tear to an eye..

March 16, 2011

Hello,

I have changed the place I live in during last week. This place feels much more comfortable and has a home like appeal with people I call as Friends as subtenants. I hope this goodness continues. Having said that I feel I am getting a little poorer with extensive expenditure on alcohol and on being lost that needs a recovery.

I hope I will get things working well in times to come and be more human than I can imagine.

A

January 23 2011

Hello,

Happy New Year... Somehow I never got into writing once again it was lost to numerous stimulating liquids that were consumed in exchange of knee breaking monetary values. But I still kept my commitments on the contracted papers true and showed up everywhere on time where I was suppose to show. I feel tired and useless as I am losing energy and losing monitory values faster do not help. Plus today when I got back home and saw my room in day light for longer than 20 minutes was when I realised that it requires me to clean it up too!

The struggle to gain control over your life continues.

A

Could I stop you?

There is no single way I could stop you…
The blow of the wind was a little slow,
I felt a little low and then there was a glow..
I could see you.
My heart cried as it filled your sight
My only plight,
That it was not going to last after two more nights
Disgusted I took a knife
Threw an orange on his favourite kite
But he didn’t know it quite…

The time was eight…
& Flight was not going to be late
Someone was leaving,
The wait was going to be unending
I can go home to an empty room
Seeking a scent of his perfume
Still fresh in the air..
I sob once again that night
And fall asleep till tomorrow was bright...

November 30, 2010

Hello,

I am guessing I have been successful so far in settling down in the new 'city'. There is so much to know about this place and there are so many people around (compared to what I used to have)... And I tried to make new connections too, but it seemed a little too fast. I realised I was still using my past location's parameters to acquaint with new people, and that appeared to be a dangerous plan.

I am enjoying this new freedom, keeping in mind what my actual plan needs to be. It gets saddening sometimes when I don't see a few things turn the way I want them to, weather for example! But I guess i should not let that affect me. I am here as a step progressive than what I was before and my unceasing attempt will be to be on the same track.

Amalgamation though on keeping some older painful contacts alive or let them go disappear with time... I guess I will need to spend some time on that. I wish to confront a separation though, and wish to intend it too.

Apart from that great apartment, messy housemate, but there are worse so no complains, job i do is good, people around are few and I wish that i can prove to be important and do a good job in the end and 'they' can be a little thankful.

Other than that life goes on... Akki's style is changed completely. its a planner now and I am no more documenting any personal histories

A

November 4 2010

Hello again,

I am assuming I wont get a peaceful moment like this for some more time and when I will get it things would have changed so much that I would not get the reality i feel to put in words ever again. Nevertheless, Lets put this reality I feel in words for now.

I have left my job, left a house I called home and amongst my own scattered luggage I sit in a friends house drinking my personal favourite summer drink when summer is not even here.

I saw a UFO today flying in the sky, it didn't disappear it didn't land it did nothing, it just kept flying. All the while it was in the sky I kept wishing something, unsure if any of that will ever become true!

I did realise one more thing today that I was still an invisible personality for people i worked for, my contribution was not even substantial that I could even enjoy a decent farewell. I am not complaining, but I felt may be I did not touch these lives to such extent that I could deserve that. Not that I expect something in an obvious way but this wish was like for a dead man who dies and he would expect a few eyes to well up even if he hated tears for ever in while he was still alive.

My contribution was always my priority and I am thankful for every opportunity that I dealt with as a responsible one. I will see them once again tomorrow once again I shall see if i at least deserve a smile.

I am saddened by a separation with recently acquainted friends: Cintia and Prateek and my first tear was dropped when I saw them off on a bus taking them to airport to meet a flight to Sydney. Cintia made me a farewell card that I haven't even seen yet because it hurts realising the separation lined with so much affection.

Plus there is another separation that is going to be ironic. Because the bond that was made was on the same day I had put my papers down at work, yes approximately two weeks ago from today. Whats meant to be will BE! I cannot help it.

Again the house is clean, Aman is celebrating her 21st birthday and I will celebrate my last day at the resort.

Love, just enough for you to remember me.
Your

A

September 4th 2010

There was Romain. Romain moved out of Romila's house. Because he decided to separate. Romila was heart broke. She was elder than him. She thought, she was wiser than him. But Romain had seen it lesser than her. He decided he deserved more freedom than Romila could ever offer. He moved houses...
One day Pooja found out that Romain was separated and with her natural instinct and an urge to bridge a built gap she decided to befriend Romain on a personal level. Romain found a great friend in Pooja. Pooja would do anything for Romain. Lately her happiness and sadness was all about Romain. She realised that her friendship with Romain was not just friendship anymore. She decided one day to express that.
That day she was tired and little under influence. She told Romain that she intended not to come in between Romila and him but her feelings were on the grow and not under her control and she should be away from Romain.
Romain and Pooja did not talk for about a week. Smiled once or twice when Pooja accidentally ran past Romain at a supermarket trying to buy some south asian food... They exchanged smiling faces and enquired how they were.
Pooja one day decided to go back to Romain smelling nice with another smiling Friendly face and found Romila sitting with Romain sitting together in what appeared to be a talk where you sort things out in Romain's new house.
Pooja still exchanged a smile, said Bye and then then walked out putting her ipod in her ear to blaring music... the smile lasted a little longer to see Romain happier, getting back to his older not so lost commitment and she drank her happiness and it tasted salty first, but the after taste was fizzy, sweet in parts and bitter in the end... when she walked back home 3 hours later she realized she was a little tipsy too.. she wished that Romain finds his happiness until eternity.
TBC..
X

July29 10

Hello!

I love monsoons... It rains.. It stays overcast... makes you think what time of the day it is... Love it.... Before you would know the day is over... and then just from nowhere the clouds open up and give you a glance at a fully shining moon and a star trapped in a bracket of a few clouds..
People praised me and I loved their company... listened to Tera Hone Laga hun and danced alone under moonlight and found myself stupid and happy...
Another Wednesday night is over... I dont have any number on my phone I can ring at this time to find a company to talk with or comfort myself in this loneliness.. Love this abyss... I am all alone ... A woman from North Carolinas yelled at me today.... I gave her a look... she turned back... A french woman thanked me for putting her twins in a cot...
I am just being myself.. filtered...
This is Abhay.

A

July 28, 10

Hello!

I was meant to go to bed after shower, but my phone rang and I spoke with Decendra and I kept up. A fit of cough kept me going for a while and then I lost my will to go to bed. Then I relaxed listening to Karunesh's music.
At 4 20 AM. I changed my profile picture and put a picture of me with Rajiv Changrani from April 09's times standing with me on in there! I think I am excited to have a visitor. I am just skeptical about three different things that I want to go down as nothing less than perfect: my health, yulara's weather & over exaggeration from touring and fun filled times over this weeked!
Nevertheless, this is going to be spectacular & RC will still have moments when he'll express his unhappiness possibly about my sleep, lesser ability to be organized etc.... Having said that I am really looking forward to him visiting I hope I can fix a smile on our faces and a good memory in brains.
Let me get back to Akki and end this day before tomorrow begins once again before I am even ready for it! 4:26 AM

A

July 7th, 10

Hello again,

Much stabilised by now, I feel drained and casted away. Karan was farewelled. And his annoyance is being missed.
about an year ago when I first shook hands with him, a series began. Friends, and then just colleagues and then silence to a tolerable presence to be around. Four days ago, when everything that went wrong settled and it looked like you have gained another person in your life.
You see such people go away leaves you with a mixed feeling.
Its still overcast and pours water every now and then. Does nothing good to make you feel any better. Other existing people around you try to make you feel better but you just want to mourn a loss, cherish a movement and live your own life in the end.

A

Jul 6th 10

34 Hours since I have been awake, more than 20 drinks that I could have had, I still have an energy and a will to write something because something is still so hollow, unpure, & un satisfied. Yet so much had been done, yet so much is not done & undone. Broken mind, and and unceasing wish to get hurt more, makes me use this pain as a drug to keep me going.
Yes, I am convinced that I am a masochist. Totally. Undoubtedly.
Go to another place because you belong some place different. But I think I have newly developed chains tying me bound to this place, this desert, where its raining incessantly since last night.

June 27 10

Hello!

What is going on right now?! I sometimes feel that I might just open my eyes and think that it was just a dream and then live my life in a simpler way, just the way it was suppose to be.
I don't have any sorrows in my life. Nor my life's gone too tough on me yet. I just sometimes feel that I have had it too much at this Desert and I do need newer challenges in my life to keep it going. But that does not seem to be an option at this stage. I need to have less number of things going on at a time to make me be able to move. And there needs to be an offer! An offer that still needs to be sought. I am worried. But i tell myself that i am not. Watch online movies to keep me happy and interested. Just had about a months time when I stopped writing my Journal and stopped maintaining this Blog. Unsure if the intention was to detach or too much of an attachment that I grew bored of or I was sunk in some Spirits... (!)
Nevertheless I am back. I am back to doing what I did in the past that gave me a high without a side effect. I hope I bring back my lost zeal and heal my wounded, correction blinded mind.
However Health back home keeps deteriorating. Or people just keep getting old. I just dont want to walk there one day and meet people who aged faster than time. May they regain their health and I can be little less worried..

A

February 10th

Happier people make others happy and spread the happiness around. That’s why I try to be happy as well. But then there are norms and rules. We have to abide by them to be able to prove more responsible citizen, correction ambassadors! I do enjoy that struggle…
However lately I discovered that I do have an issue with my sleeping pattern once again. May be because I am going through a change or the level of stress I handle. When I sleep I sleep continuously for about twelve hours and then remain fresh for next forty-eight hours till I can feel sleepy once again. I have resort to a lot of junk food as well. And the struggle to remain healthy has suffered because of that. A lot of junk food end with stimulant coffees and teas that has an impact on my sleeping once again and then I struggle to keep my struggle to abide the norms to be a routine abiding citizen goes through a pain.
There is no reason why I should be unhappy. And I definitely do not want to spread that unhappiness. I suspect a break will bring about a positive change. And as I mentioned in my previous blog entry I am going away for a short duration, which I hope will be a good memory not just for me.
I decide to part with stimuli for as long as I can, no matter that could be considered to be social in some circles. I hope I can keep that promise with myself. However as I write that I do have a cup of tea on my left hand side on the same desk.
I want to learn. Learn to be respectable, in the circles I live and be prosperous enough that I can give those lines on the faces get some rest while they point an angle at me.
May I succeed.