June 27 10

Hello!

What is going on right now?! I sometimes feel that I might just open my eyes and think that it was just a dream and then live my life in a simpler way, just the way it was suppose to be.
I don't have any sorrows in my life. Nor my life's gone too tough on me yet. I just sometimes feel that I have had it too much at this Desert and I do need newer challenges in my life to keep it going. But that does not seem to be an option at this stage. I need to have less number of things going on at a time to make me be able to move. And there needs to be an offer! An offer that still needs to be sought. I am worried. But i tell myself that i am not. Watch online movies to keep me happy and interested. Just had about a months time when I stopped writing my Journal and stopped maintaining this Blog. Unsure if the intention was to detach or too much of an attachment that I grew bored of or I was sunk in some Spirits... (!)
Nevertheless I am back. I am back to doing what I did in the past that gave me a high without a side effect. I hope I bring back my lost zeal and heal my wounded, correction blinded mind.
However Health back home keeps deteriorating. Or people just keep getting old. I just dont want to walk there one day and meet people who aged faster than time. May they regain their health and I can be little less worried..

A

April 2, 10

A lot has been done, A lot is still left to be done, Its 12o'clock in this region, they say that the day is shorter by a micro mini second already, but i don't see the change.
I write this entry because I want to celebrate a birth of a person who gave me a birth. Spontaneous as a person I am thankful that she is a woman. Because the strength, charisma and perseverance she has is boosted by her gender. I am a third child that she bore after two daughters. Her daughters have been successful in their own ways however her affection with me is beyond my understanding. and sometimes i feel victimised as I do not expect such an attention. Correction I feel I do not deserve it.
However this lady cannot be wrong, and I try and attend to it as much as I can.
I cannot understand why do I feel scared to confront her and them (collectively) sometimes. So much has changed so far and so much is on the verge of another change that I don't know if I possess the strength to see it take another shape and vision in front of me. Unsure if I am expected to be amused in a surprise or grow another depth in the wrinkle thats ageing already.
I listen to Tiesto right now, decide to Call her back tomorrow and speak a few wishful lines to make her feel its still her day. I know she would miss a day that passed 366 days ago when I was present just a foot away from her. But its not same this year.
We both live in this ever changing world pretending to be happy successful people responsible for other people who don't even care about our existence as humans.
Happy Birthday Mum.

February 10th

Happier people make others happy and spread the happiness around. That’s why I try to be happy as well. But then there are norms and rules. We have to abide by them to be able to prove more responsible citizen, correction ambassadors! I do enjoy that struggle…
However lately I discovered that I do have an issue with my sleeping pattern once again. May be because I am going through a change or the level of stress I handle. When I sleep I sleep continuously for about twelve hours and then remain fresh for next forty-eight hours till I can feel sleepy once again. I have resort to a lot of junk food as well. And the struggle to remain healthy has suffered because of that. A lot of junk food end with stimulant coffees and teas that has an impact on my sleeping once again and then I struggle to keep my struggle to abide the norms to be a routine abiding citizen goes through a pain.
There is no reason why I should be unhappy. And I definitely do not want to spread that unhappiness. I suspect a break will bring about a positive change. And as I mentioned in my previous blog entry I am going away for a short duration, which I hope will be a good memory not just for me.
I decide to part with stimuli for as long as I can, no matter that could be considered to be social in some circles. I hope I can keep that promise with myself. However as I write that I do have a cup of tea on my left hand side on the same desk.
I want to learn. Learn to be respectable, in the circles I live and be prosperous enough that I can give those lines on the faces get some rest while they point an angle at me.
May I succeed.

February 3rd

Tickets are booked, the phone keeps ringing when people tell me that they miss the Good times, I tell them that I miss those times as well... But I don't think the intensity is equal... somewhere I realise I have become too externally rigid that nothing can penetrate to make me feel fuzzy and warm... Not that I want to feel that way.
Tickets are booked. I need another break to see an actual civilisation, Something that i am really looking forward to..
Fees powerless, or may be sometimes.. feel that the powers that I have are never adequate ... the worst thing... i make some people sad... I hate that thing about myself... but them what can I do... I am power thirsty ... and thats something I don't have enough...
I keep taking pictures.. live each day as it comes... fight against gravity at the gym and on Yulara drive where I either lift weights or jog my lungs out... and then later go to either Outback BBQ bar or Res club and sink my spirits in fluids and fumes...
Is that a right way of living life?
Alternation, Not a good idea either... makes me go depress... May be I would need another time to talk about that...
Let's see how bad does it grow on me.... either i succumb to it to collapse within or emerge as someone I had never been before.. which is a continual struggle.

December 14, 09

Its December 14th 2009 today, I feel a little awake from a dream that I lived for a while. Feels like I lived through a massive transition in little time. I am finding comfort in newer boundaries that I succumbed to. Realised that I can never develop a metallic interior, however I shall be very careful from now to let emotions penetrate.
It feels good that the change is being favourable, feels sad that recent past was so memorable, feels horrible that the way I did not even show up to confront a final Goodbye, unsure if I lacked the motivation or the strength to confront a moment.
Domestic health suffers. That makes me boil from within and once again the distance and liabilities receive some profanity. A belief reside though that Everything ends well, this too shall pass.
New resolutions are being passed, plans for further well being are on the way. Efforts shall follow. People will come, join and help.

Sounds of Silence

What an experience... It starts with a people that you adore... then someone tells you about this Dinner experience in the desert, and then you decide that you want to be a part of it...
I was told about that as well! And then I already had a people that I adored (A LOT) who said affirmative word to be a part of it and some attempts at a shrude Hotel and a bus on the porch of another hotel got us going on... it drew on tar and then on sand, the driver kept cracking jokes, very generic Australian! And that got us to the site,
Some canapes, a beautiful farewell to the sun with some alcohol, my preference a White wine and a beer to a people that I adored... it went on, brought our spirits up high,
back from the dune some food served, eaten and then adored... it got darker, I got to know a little bit more about the people who sat on the same table, some capable, some achievers some still struggllers like me enjoyed the moment that was so unworldly that took us to a restaurant that had no walls.
alcohol kept pouring and when tobacco got on fire a Spaniard woman got along with us and she talked about bugs and french people and Brisbane...
Evening went on, Adorable people became three in stead of two and alcohol brought that personal touch when it asked sensitive questions to which a sane person did not have an answer to ..
Main course served followed by the sweetest of the ports and Peter served Coffee which was left on the table in a half drunk cup..
The bus called out, it was going to leave us to the nearest civilization available... "A Hotel" Some more pictures taken, more personalization,
And to date an experience which was termed as one of the most "wierdest" became one of the most "Memorable" when somethings made me realize the speciality of that incident with a sinful tear that tore my heart apart, that it was compelled to cry a dry tear and then camouflage it...
A civilized lonely night that still had my spirits high and took my People away from me... and the instatunuous reaction became too negative... But i intend to change it now... Not because the dinner and Karla and Peter were so great at their job, but because my words hurt my people.. people who gave me an affirmation and people who showed me an affection and people whom i brough a tear in their eye...
I loved Sounds, and that evening can never be back in any one our lives ever again..

November 23

The Macbook works fine. I am a lot more comfortable with it now, than how I used to. Things are changing everyday. The day when things don't change it feels weird. Nothing will be same.

Death

Death is peaceful
Death is the truth
Death is to be dealth with

Death should be peaceful
Death should be respected
Death should be mourned for..

Life is to live
Life is also a Truth
Life is Watever

I made a mistake and felt too difficult to deal with it. But then I think there is some joy in pain.. I am enjoying that right now... it shall go away... and then then there will be an abyss I shall have to go through.. It shall take me through actual zeroness, but i know i shall survive, become someone i never was, go through a transition, grow another layer making it difficult for my future psychiatrists to penetrate, but who cares about them? Anyways, Lets live the moment filled with ununderstandables.

October 31 09

I am as lost as a man on a clear day.
I m liking it go in a directionless way
Lost the control
Lost some memory
Lost the peace
& Lost the memory of a deed
I am still as lost as a man on a clear day...

October 30 09

I am bhant. And i am not goin to say anything too out loud. But i am living this moment. Yes I felt a litle J and then i continued bein a litle J a little mo, I dunn care. Listening to someone else's ,music right now forgive me for all the mistakes that i could have made or done. Some one else is cooking me a chicken sometinn right now.l i am bhant. I am blind i lost my lenses i got angry and after along time did i feel this way.....
I am good i shall live till nature decides to in a happy and healthy way.. but if the nature decides to launch the path thru sadness i am ready for thast as well. Wish that Brad a good luck anf safer fuck in times to come and wish those pure souls a good time around and wish me a time tolerable when these souls are going to be away.
I hope i find some peace in chaos and chaos in loneliness.

October 4, 09

Sometimes I think, some people don't deserve to be happy, and they should always be unhappy, unsatisfied. They do better when they are unsatisfied. I know someone. He gets happy and he gets carried away with the happiness the moment brings and then he expects more frequency in that kind of moments. Its not his fault, but then it compels him to hit the rock bottom, crashes him off a cliff and he feels more vulnerable and unhappy than he ever was.
He used to be stable being unhappy searching for satisfaction than dealing with a great fall.
I feel like crying, I put one of the saddest movies on, it runs the reel through the saddest moments, but I feel disconnected still. No sense of regret, No tear, I suddenly feel hungry and the moment is gone. I am unhappy still.
I am not unfriendly, nor am I a bad guy in a story. I am for real. But i don't think i deserve this. I never learnt to live in a moment. Somehow feel that i cannot be a good driver of my own life. I like to keep it under control & losing my own control over it gives me grief.
I am listening to songs to make me feel better, I am liking it, but its still is not working.
I am sad.