October 4, 09

Sometimes I think, some people don't deserve to be happy, and they should always be unhappy, unsatisfied. They do better when they are unsatisfied. I know someone. He gets happy and he gets carried away with the happiness the moment brings and then he expects more frequency in that kind of moments. Its not his fault, but then it compels him to hit the rock bottom, crashes him off a cliff and he feels more vulnerable and unhappy than he ever was.
He used to be stable being unhappy searching for satisfaction than dealing with a great fall.
I feel like crying, I put one of the saddest movies on, it runs the reel through the saddest moments, but I feel disconnected still. No sense of regret, No tear, I suddenly feel hungry and the moment is gone. I am unhappy still.
I am not unfriendly, nor am I a bad guy in a story. I am for real. But i don't think i deserve this. I never learnt to live in a moment. Somehow feel that i cannot be a good driver of my own life. I like to keep it under control & losing my own control over it gives me grief.
I am listening to songs to make me feel better, I am liking it, but its still is not working.
I am sad.

August 27, 09

Yesterday, I had decided, that this time, I will go out some place nice and find out why do so many people come to this desert and enjoy it so much. More than that, I was getting bored with the monotony and needed a harmless short break.
I always had Kings Canyon on my mind because I had been referring to that tour for very different reasons from a very long time. Its the first morning tour to make people turn up at the desk and that's why it has been my cut off time to finish my back of the office work from whenever I started with my graveyards. Today I was going to be the one who gets on that bus and it was very exiting!
Some 300 Kilometers and one break for a coffee and a toast with Friend eggs, and we reached the place. There were just seven people on the tour and I think I was the most exceptional, for two reasons, I was alone, and I was too young compared to those people who were on the bus as tourists. Anyways, i didn't mingle with them more than a few smiles, the anti social i am!
The trek took us more than 100 metres high and lasted about 7 Kilometers long and 4 hours. Some knowledge, a lot of breadth-taking views, some captured on the canvas others locked in perishable memories. The trek took me way deep into thinking endurance, history, development and a connection between life, death and reincarnation. Of course all of that was not said and discussed!
Back on the bus, some good music blared in my ear, the bus strode past some familiar sites, it rained and that made me feel how happy I was after a very long time. My cheeks hurt but my smile wouldn't fade. Back in Yulara, the weather was little bit same, I got a feeling that in this remote region, Yulara was one of the most developed settlements, (the fact that mobile phone worked here, and there were hotel buildings in sight and the lawn was looked after, as against wild pieces of mountains and dunes everywhere else). I went home, the excitement continued for a while but that was an end of my excursion, a "rejuviant" after a long time.

August 13, 09

some one asked me today if I spent any time with any friends around. I was hurried. I quickly answered no, i received a symphatatic Ohh, it didnt bother me and I turned my neck to my to my work.
I got back home, and that moment just flashed in my mind again. Well I am in fact alone, i have no close people left around me anymore, and I think, this part is worse, I have started to like the loneliness.
I am unsure if this development did indeed deserved an Ohh.

Holidays : April 09

Its been a while since April 09 passed us by! May be that did good things to encourage me to think little retrospectively when I spent my time in a different time zone, where the air not only carried particles and heat, but also unconditional affection that keeps my eye moist...


The background score I found, was a piece I came across last year. I used that for various reasons, first being the title of this composition is called "A Journey to India", & then the first word in the composition is quite my name & and the overall classy sound and the flute, just blows my mind away. I could not think of a better track to go along with...

Presenting April 2009 through my eyes,

July 26

I am sitting on my chair in my house. Listening to some nice music on a windy cold cloudless night. I am just back from a six hour long socializing experience, which happened after a very long time. Although my role there was very non significant, the very contribution in the form of my participation, made me feel good about myself. I hope socialising gets more active, enjoyable and more frequent. It gives me a sense of belonging to the same world, which is far better than superficial existance.
Otherwise, the days are going past very well lately. Quite fast, short, happening at times, with different things thrown at me!! I guess, it is giving my defensiveness a good test!
Another month past, few more people known, and few more seen and forgotten.

Vissal & I

June 22, 09

Time goes really fast. And that makes me feel good. I was stressed in the beginning of this month. Felt like hibernating somewhere deep and never ever resurface. I lost the zeal in life, looked at everyone with a doubt. Every situation led me to think that there was going to be a consequence with a very high price that i could never be able to afford.
Not quite sure if i survived it or it grew over me so much that i am used to it. The moral of the story: I am fine. At least mostly.
I grew bored of my hair, and i walked a barber shop with an appointment which made me wait for over a week. Cut them short and I think it looks better and feels easy and light.
The cold continues, makes me feel good. Except that I don't get to see any daylight at all on a few days. The rare sort of work that I do keeps my demand high as well!
Reading two books, these days, I think i could finish them by mid July. Both of them are awesome, but i cant help being biased towards Stephanie Mayer.
New people coming in to the story, old's walking out or at least changing the Soap Opera's they work for. Funny thing, but I think my perception of some people is always in a liquid state. It changes from time to time. Lately I came across people i lost respect for. And there are some people I could idolize or something!
My personal life soars. I am getting more than eligible to break promises and commitments. More than that, hearts. But that's all, not that bad I think. I am a loaner and i think i will always be.
Another seven days, and i would have completed a Year in the desert. I am not quite sure if that calls for a celebration or anything else!
Everything else seems to be falling in places, perhaps.

May 8th

Back from India, I introspect the great land had a lot of love and affection on offer. Lined with the warmth and the dust it all felt incredibly clinging. I thought to myself if it was all worth to keep myself away from all that. I get mixed answers. I chose to be far. And now it was the time I repay the cost of that decision. Not that it was going to be futile. It brought me a lot of respect and probably rewarded me with a card I could swipe to get my way through the thing I like a lot: Shopping.
A friend told me the other day that a man lives his life in search of Happiness. He quoted a great American politician. I thought to myself, if my life was led in the same sought. That led me to think that I must keep my vehicle in a right lane at all times. Because a lot of things that I did, were not planned to achieve any satisfaction. Do I get some sort of a joy in being a Saint? I don’t know yet. But I will be a fool if I’ll let others take advantage of me.
I continue being alone (not in an unhappy way), lead my work commitments, make and keep friends as I do and did, and follow my passions which are on a verge on a major change, I sense.

may 3rd

I am back in Yulara. I shall start with work tonight. Seems like i had been overlooking my blog. Things kept me busy probably. But I am back. I do feel like expressing something once again. I hope this month will bring that thing out of me. I might bring a few changes soon!
:)

February 21st

A man is like a dog, loyal to its current master, a master who feeds him daily. I am thought-less today. I can’t think much. Too many things are going on at the same time. I can’t get those thoughts organized for me. Another night is upon me. I m not allowed to complain for what is going on. Not that what’s going on is wrong, but somewhere it feels that I am losing the lead in the struggle to get a grip on life. I know that this too shall pass and would be remembered as a phase I went through. I lived tougher times and looking at the current flow, I feel that much tougher times would follow. But it recently struck me that dogs are required to be attended to. Men need witnesses for their life. I felt alone. I just hope that this too shall pass. I will learn to enjoy my loneliness or I already have, but this time its not bringing any contentment.
It’s dusk time in the desert, afternoon in the subcontinent and probably just past midday in the mid-east. Amalgamation takes over me again.

February 5th

February 5th
Long time! I realized that I had not been writing anything since a long time. True that I had my last scheduled ‘Lost Camel Night’ on 14th January, and with the new place of work, I cannot find time and energy to do anything. Gym frequency, I realized went down to 3 times a week. The heat and flies are responsible for that as well. To manage my time I started writing in ‘dot points’ in my ‘confidential Akki’. That was actually a massive move. I love writing, but I just could not let my thoughts flood my mind for long time waiting for the moment of peace.
The new place, Desert Garden, is good place to work. It keeps me busy, more than necessary a lot of times. Another lesson I learnt was that there was only one S in Desert! I probably I never noticed that until now. That reminds me that I should take that extra S off from my work mail signature!
Then January had been one of the hottest months, again. I did not enjoy the heat. But I did enjoy a few news coming from home and new accolades earned! Aditi is born who made me an Uncle. Tickets are booked and I am prepared to continue experiencing summer in the month of April in the northern hemisphere of course.
I shall try and keep my energy levels high in times to come. I wish to be more regular on the whole writing thing. It makes me connect to myself.