2 July 2016

Hello,
This is what you came for- Rihanna said it in someone else's words.
I am lost, oh my god. That felt light in the head.
Who is this boy?
is that a buoy?
MIght be.
Ajit.
You you you ohh oh you ohh ohh you ohh…
I wished i could write more sensible.
But this time i am going to keep my intrigue away
and going to keep my stupidity in the front,
coz i am not that stupid after all
i do have the strength to deal with the challenges to actually show how smart n stuff i can be n all.
But now here. not hidden.
May be here i will switch i will keep the stupid ABOY out to me and offer the world the polished version thats sellable.
Took a decade to get to this.
Not the strength but the catalyst that I have found, i wish to exploit
and make him stronger too,
this amazing experiment is in progress.
Let greens win this race.
If not won, at least reached a landmark that something amazing is reached too.
And yes another dance with this boy too
the music changed.
It plays that song from the pill from Ibiza.
Yes i ate it.
and its doing wonders.
The glorious past is in a do not open box.
It haunts me sometimes. But I make friends with it and find a different dynamic from other end.
Yet I am unable to do it completely
professing my own ability to keep a thing in a box.
Its unbearable to live a week away from Ajit - i live in a moment, bothering him every moment, almost to bother him.
I want to keep him happy.
I struggle
But i know i will find a way.
Forces within will help me.
Help me the same way they helped me find him amongst 4 billion men alive.
he is the one.
And i think he will be the one.
Because he really cares and i do care for him.

8th November 2015

Hello,


I was going to write something completely different. I love writing. I love painting. None of that I have been doing in the recent past. Is that the reason the reason I feel the way I feel?
I felt clucky last night in the gym when i was still catching up on my breath and Aai sent me a picture that said that Aditi, my niece loves drinking her chai in the same cup I did. And I just realised that I didn't even put a preference, but my mother already chose my favourite cup in that house and every morning I would wake up, every afternoon i would be home, I would have a lukewarm milky liquid waiting for me in that cup she would make it ready.
She looks at me like she knows me. But she doesn't know how I have changed. I see her see me between the lines. I see her checking me out at night if I am still asleep. If i am asleep or not or if i need anything.
She loves her son.
i wonder the way time passes.
My lovely niece, fore birth i  called her Tobit thinking she'll be a boy, is growing up to be a lady.
I see her as a child. But she's intelligent. Intelligent socially. Speaks French too.
On other side of the world there is man born with a pentagonal face like me. Genetically he's my nephew, i have never met. But I think he will inherit a little look of me as he grows up.
I wonder, how the future will be when I will die and Aditi and Neil will be in their prime and shed a tear while they express their grief on some sort of a medium.
I hold a smile in disguise. I am prepared. May the death bring a sense of accomplishment not just a loss. We exist. Exist in different forms. X

AM'JO

2nd February 2015

Hello,

I had a good day today. Started in Housekeeping. Spent time with Niel! Felt a connection as my new born nephew will be named the same. Went to gym after work. That felt quite good too. And then I made some fish curry for Steven and Shayne. They liked it, but didn't say that. We watched a movie. Men, women and children. It was too true but quite interesting. Cant say i disliked it or liked it. Spoke to Brent - he's probably my only friend I made in Hobart. Anyway - that said, i booked a ticket to go to Hobart and pick my bag up from there. Decided to spend the weekend there. I hope it would be good. Chintu sent some messages on what's app. She said she misses me. I miss her too. But i had a good day today. Didn't miss tim like crazy. Maybe the endorphins helped me. I hope it continues. I want to feel better. And save and make more money. Be stable and happier.

Abhay

31st January 2015

Hello,

Curious as a cat. I was checking instagram today. There is one picture he uploaded and i was checking who all liked it. I could see a man whom he fell in love with, while he was still in love with me, liked it. They have been in contact off and on and I know and respect this affair. What I don't like is not knowing what is going on and why did it happen behind my back.
I went to check this guy's instagram profile and I couldn't see any posts not could I follow him. Reason - maybe he's blocked me on Facebook that restricts me to follow him as my Facebook and probably his too are linked. I then counted Tim's followers against the numbers. Number I counted - 45 the number I could see - 46. Then I wanted to find out if Tim followed him at all - and I could see he he followed 16 people and my count was 15. I wanted to see what pictures did Tim liked. I want to know. I am not jealous. I want a part of Tim too, because I do care for him, I don't care if he does care about someone else. But I hate finding out this way. And I have a anger about this guy because he has my Tim's attention, that i could die for. And yes I am indeed dying.  

January 30th 2015

Hello,

Happy new year.
Another while until i am able to write once again. State of mind - not too different than other recent times. There won't be too happy things written in this post, but the same hope in different ways will reflect. Maybe because we are taught to be optimistic or possess a fear of the pain and the ultimate death that leads us to live the life the way it unfolds, favourable or otherwise.

I woke up, rested, made some tea for a change, cleaned up a little, watered Steven's plants and then made a move to the lake and ran like i did yesterday. Just wanted to do it a little better. I managed that. 57 minutes and 8 KM. i was satisfied. Home I did some more core exercise. While i was running i realised how it helped me organise my thoughts. Starting from the entropy - my largest scope occupier, where i invest the most of my mind. My lost love that is even there or not, i am not sure. He lives somewhere else. But I see his actions, especially his ignorance about my interest and my affection that he does not care much about. I told myself, that I must detach from that and make a list of small goals for every day and work on that. I came home and I sat down to make a list. The first thing I put there were flowers for valentines day to be delivered to him. I couldn't move mind over that thought. So I put that thought down and moved on to put a few things there. I managed to achieve three of those things today.

Just got distracted. Again unorganised thoughts.

I sent a letter to Chintu - my sister and parents in USA. They will receive this letter when my sister would have had a baby.

In a moment, i did sent a text to him this afternoon. He just replied. after about 8 hours. Said Hello. I skipped a heartbeat. I did respond that it would be a pleasure to see him sometime with a triple X's in the end. There will be a silence for a while.

I do skip a beat when i see him online too. And if I don't see him online still gives me a sense of concern.

I hope i am ok. I am looking for flowers for him. I don't know what I want of him. Attention? Love? Friendship? All? None? I know if he was head over heels for me, i would have been scared of him long time ago. But it happened the exact opposite way. His elusiveness made me draw towards him. And then the tolerance of a day I don't enjoy with this pacifying relievers keep me going. And I don't see myself going that way. I feel clear when I say that now. Yet I fear that the voice somewhere reaches him and his attention completely lost. I know he cares. I know he finds me attractive more than many others that he does find attractive too. While I say this thought out loud, i feel a sense of loss. And the sometime occurrent visits in the dream make me happy.

I want to be happy. Happier. Living for the moment for what that matters, not materially. Where forgiveness is lined with love and care and not sympathy. I have toughened up but this shell is protective, not necessary.

I live a life of a brown boy, in a white boy world. There is a lot of loneliness this way. I love solitude with a sense that there is someone. But i am afraid i fail to feel that way.

A

1 May 2014

Its been a while, I haven't written in a while. But something came to a saturation before I actually felt it was right.
I don't feel right. Not in the sense that i am doing the right thing. But it feels like I am doing it right to keep the balance of my endorphins right.
Work is keeping me busy. I like that. I am doing everything right to keep me in the right direction; progression seems a little slow at this stage though. Let us see, what it has to bring forward.
An amazing encounter with my blood and flesh just took place. I put a stone on my heart when I saw Aai cry a tear leaving me at the airport. I played it cool and I thought I would collapse later, but surprisingly I probably kept myself strong enough or maybe the concrete had grown so strong that it didn't strike that bad that it would make me weep. Not saying I am not weak, something I am always afraid of but I realised that over the period of time, with the greys, i have developed a stronger shell too. It does strike but it doesn't hurt, when I have enough preparation for it.
New introductions, yes they are interesting, but i don't find myself innocent enough to deal with them and a greyer shade of my newer personality shows up. Unsure if thats good or bad, I succumb to my routine and neglect too much attention to it.
Many things still pending. Including a hair job, and of course an unceasing job to keep the serotonin, oxytocin and endorphin levels up to the mark.
Its 1st May. I went out last night. I danced with unknown faces and laughed and felt happy. Celebrated a non significant wednesday. Home now to a loneliness and solace that some seek, I found, by chance, tolerating.

A

This ones for my lovely Adu darling

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo6pCRH0VNg&feature=c4-overview&list=UURb1Bl5qKQ-YAXgQng-SY8w

5 December 2013

They say that there is a suffering and then there is solace. My struggle seem to be unending. Its been more than a year since I have felt this misery that I am sinking into and I sometimes tend to think that I am in love with this melancholy. Not perfecting it though. Destiny has been kind to get me through on a below average success rate but the struggle to keep up is beyond my capacity some times. I feel like fighting a losing battle. A very slowly losing battle in the field where there are enemies and there is guerrilla war and you never know where the next strike will come from. Sometime it does come from within - entropy they call it, i fight it. And sleep it off and wake up to a new day and find myself smiling at strangers again. Some of them are pleasant too. And a few known faces turn around.
I feel lonely. But they think I am in a lovely place. Its the perspective. Some one in Mumbai is dying in the slums next to the airport that harbours million dollar planes every four and half minutes in its peak times because of lack of medication and food but is surrounded by tremendous love and affection and is ready to knock on the doors of heaven in minutes. But there are also people who live in houses with a view with no one to share that view with sulk and complain how difficult their lives are too. Its the perspective.
Yes i am human and i make mistakes and I am sorry for all those but maybe there is no forgiving this time.
Its cold and wet tonight. my pet - plant is happy after its morning sunlight and a potion of water that i gave it this afternoon. But it tells me in signals that only i can read, another perspective. And yes it is cold. It feels lonely and i am miserable right now.

28 November 2013

I think everything happens for a reason. I know a trillion people said that in the past in thousand other languages in different ways that they could. But the thought was still the same. 
Yes I felt anxious and mad at times and I tried the limits of patience to deal with it. But I guess perseverance always reaches newer limits to tell us how strong we are or not. In her song Lady gaga says that too, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! 
I am weak sometimes. The tears create a havoc and the sense of loss takes charge and then the retrospect and its glories take you to another time and era before you know how futile your present is. It makes me think sometimes if everything was actually perfect, would I actually have so much respect for it or not. I am not a bad person but yes I think i am a man after all, I like the chase and I think i chase in the most perfect way I can. At times I feel lost but then I am standing on this stone on this island and this is where i am and i am unable to comprehend my happiness which is not right. Not that I cannot get happiness ever again but i get scared that I might not. I want to be positive but the retrospects and the amazing past and the urge for a miracle keeps me where i am waiting, sulking and suffering. I am still waiting, wearing a mask of tears but with a happier face when I would have achieved that sense of happiness, consciously or otherwise. Futile, even otherwise.

26 May 2013

There are times when you expect and spend time in void expecting and anticipating. Rohan had a similar day today. He still has no idea where he is leading. He is living with these lovely people and pretending to be happy to be a positive struggler. But the unforeseen future is still in dark. It sits beyond a few cloudy days and cold nights. I hope there is sunlight somewhere.
Love is a strong force. It can make or wreck things. It goes through phases. Unsure where Rohan stood at this end he felt miserable one more time that day. He sank in a pool of red liquid at a mercy of his friends company he feels dearest at this point of time he misses something 3000 kilometre away unsure if they still remember how immensely he misses them too.
He wants to read a book thats sitting on his bedside since almost two and half weeks he doesn't have a heart to read it and he has a few tabs open on his computer to spend his Sunday evening, again sinking in the red liquids.
Unsure about the ray of light shining his life with either a smile or a formal call for an employment he sits by the window refreshing his inbox for a dear message or a formal call. In the end though, the dark night follows in less than an hour and its going to be cold and dark and long. But the red liquids and the mercy of his friends will be his insurance. 
He dreamed a nightmare last night. But the shine of an overcast day brought a smile to his face and he spent the day as happily as he could. There is some instrumental music creating some harmony and the fumes of roast potatoes were endearing. He misses his mother. The mangoes at his house where it is fuming hot end of a cruel summer and they are anticipating rains in a week or two.
But he anticipates a birth of a child in someone else's womb which will bring that smile close to him to see without any technical aides. Tim'es nearing. yes Times nearing too.
It is still May the 26th and it will progress with or without his say.

20 May 2013

...The Bus was bound for Bendigo from Ballarat. And it pulled in to Creswick station. There stood two passengers. A Boy and a girl. Both maybe same age late teenagers. When the door to the bus opened the girl peeped inside and asked the driver if that bus was going to Daylesford. The driver answered affirmative. I was sitting on the front seat opposite to the driver's side so I had a good view. The girl got inside the bus and paid the fare. After that she turned once again towards the boy who was standing outside with his hands folded looking at the girl. She asked him if he was sure that he didn't want to come. He answered negative. Then the girl went out of my sight and probably took a window seat behind me. The door to the bus shut and the bus pulled out of the driveway shortly. Just then I noticed the boy waved at the girl and then the bus was approaching the highway through the town. Thats when the girl from her seat shouted,"Excuse me Sir, could this bus go back to Creswick stop again?" She came up to front and sat next to me to talk to the driver. The driver asked why was that. She said she had forgotten something behind and without that she cant go. The driver then found a spot just outside the road shoulder and pulled in there. The girl got out, now her voice changed a little and spoke walking in the other direction to keep the fare. She had a smile on her face and walked away as the the bus pulled back on the road and led its way to Daylesford. I kept thinking what happened afterwards, and probably I will never ever find that out.