31st January 2015

Hello,

Curious as a cat. I was checking instagram today. There is one picture he uploaded and i was checking who all liked it. I could see a man whom he fell in love with, while he was still in love with me, liked it. They have been in contact off and on and I know and respect this affair. What I don't like is not knowing what is going on and why did it happen behind my back.
I went to check this guy's instagram profile and I couldn't see any posts not could I follow him. Reason - maybe he's blocked me on Facebook that restricts me to follow him as my Facebook and probably his too are linked. I then counted Tim's followers against the numbers. Number I counted - 45 the number I could see - 46. Then I wanted to find out if Tim followed him at all - and I could see he he followed 16 people and my count was 15. I wanted to see what pictures did Tim liked. I want to know. I am not jealous. I want a part of Tim too, because I do care for him, I don't care if he does care about someone else. But I hate finding out this way. And I have a anger about this guy because he has my Tim's attention, that i could die for. And yes I am indeed dying.  

January 30th 2015

Hello,

Happy new year.
Another while until i am able to write once again. State of mind - not too different than other recent times. There won't be too happy things written in this post, but the same hope in different ways will reflect. Maybe because we are taught to be optimistic or possess a fear of the pain and the ultimate death that leads us to live the life the way it unfolds, favourable or otherwise.

I woke up, rested, made some tea for a change, cleaned up a little, watered Steven's plants and then made a move to the lake and ran like i did yesterday. Just wanted to do it a little better. I managed that. 57 minutes and 8 KM. i was satisfied. Home I did some more core exercise. While i was running i realised how it helped me organise my thoughts. Starting from the entropy - my largest scope occupier, where i invest the most of my mind. My lost love that is even there or not, i am not sure. He lives somewhere else. But I see his actions, especially his ignorance about my interest and my affection that he does not care much about. I told myself, that I must detach from that and make a list of small goals for every day and work on that. I came home and I sat down to make a list. The first thing I put there were flowers for valentines day to be delivered to him. I couldn't move mind over that thought. So I put that thought down and moved on to put a few things there. I managed to achieve three of those things today.

Just got distracted. Again unorganised thoughts.

I sent a letter to Chintu - my sister and parents in USA. They will receive this letter when my sister would have had a baby.

In a moment, i did sent a text to him this afternoon. He just replied. after about 8 hours. Said Hello. I skipped a heartbeat. I did respond that it would be a pleasure to see him sometime with a triple X's in the end. There will be a silence for a while.

I do skip a beat when i see him online too. And if I don't see him online still gives me a sense of concern.

I hope i am ok. I am looking for flowers for him. I don't know what I want of him. Attention? Love? Friendship? All? None? I know if he was head over heels for me, i would have been scared of him long time ago. But it happened the exact opposite way. His elusiveness made me draw towards him. And then the tolerance of a day I don't enjoy with this pacifying relievers keep me going. And I don't see myself going that way. I feel clear when I say that now. Yet I fear that the voice somewhere reaches him and his attention completely lost. I know he cares. I know he finds me attractive more than many others that he does find attractive too. While I say this thought out loud, i feel a sense of loss. And the sometime occurrent visits in the dream make me happy.

I want to be happy. Happier. Living for the moment for what that matters, not materially. Where forgiveness is lined with love and care and not sympathy. I have toughened up but this shell is protective, not necessary.

I live a life of a brown boy, in a white boy world. There is a lot of loneliness this way. I love solitude with a sense that there is someone. But i am afraid i fail to feel that way.

A