December 24th

I am 24. I turned 24. I lived for 24 years. And I spent that day oversleeping. I was asked how old I was by an inquisitive passerby. I happened to answer, twenty - pause – four last Wednesday. That’s when I felt the first time that I was no more an amateur. I think the teenager mentality lasted till I was still 23. But all of a sudden when I felt like my birthday was just another day, and celebrating it would be unnecessary, felt normal and yet not quite felt the same way before.
Anyways, I still cut a muffin and blew candles out and wished on the 24th night, when the dates in the region I was, had already changed to 25th.

December 15

I think something is about to happen. I feel the negativity already. Or something has already happened just that I should still need to know about it. Usually in my recorded memory, December had been a good month. But this year it has not been like that. The only good things I saw this month so far had been because some investments I did in the past matured during this time. That does not mean anything is happening the way it should have been. The state of my mind is in jeopardy. The atmosphere around still stands neutral, not influencing anything good or bad in particular. Still I sense the negativity which homes in my mind I reckon.
I tend to contemplate that I might have started being a little extra greedy. I might have started expecting the things to happen my way in every next step that has to follow. In a way I had always been the chosen one with things falling in places, all the time. It always gave me a feeling that there is some force looking down upon me. May be it is somebody’s plan that I still have to handle my de-shuffled time and look forward to being looked upon.
This comes as the first entry as the newly graduated Master, however I still don’t feel the reason to rejoice the newly acquired achievement. Let me find the reason.
Just for the note, last week I could go to Alice Springs to spend another thousand for some essential and not very essential things. I could give a lot of things on hold a direction so that gave me a little satisfaction in the end. And then when I got back, I got two extra offs, with which I could catch up on a much needed break only to discover how easy was it to get lazy again! But then the new week began again, and I guess my next breaks shall fall in the New Year, so not many complaints against the whole laziness.

A Bad day...

Prachi wanted to take a swim in the sea when the salty waters were warm. She wanted to play with the dolphins & try Crocodile meat for dinner. She wanted to be served a Screwdriver by adorable Kevin who was 16. And watch two sunsets on February 29th, 2012 flying Concorde from Paris to New York.
All of that was possible, but still unethical, unrealistic and hard to come true.
Prachi still waited for the fast train to CST on platform number 6 and her train was more than 5 minutes too late already, she was headed for a busy day at her 7500 Rupees, no respect job.
13000 Kilometers and 5 time zones away, Karen was headed for work in her Toyota Camry, she was going to be laid off from her work today, totally unaware about the news, she still enjoyed Rihanna loud in her car, as she battled the Melbourne traffic driving past all the tolls, she would still need to pay for.
Little more away from Prachi and Karen, Afia wanted to buy water for her two children. She was too scared that like the two other children, these two would die off Cholera. She made of move out of her house first to withdraw 14 billion Zimbabwean Dollars from her bank and then to the place where clean water was on sale. By the time she reached the place, the water was sold out.
Karen, Prachi and Afia were just three of those women who had a very disappointing day yesterday.

Irony

Gabrielle used to dream every night that she would attend Academy awards and win herself a best actor in supporting role trophy. But unfortunately the work that she did, only contested her for Nobel Prize for peace. And she obviously had not done enough so far that she could even be nominated for it. Not this year at least. She was a co-founder of a school meant for orphans and refugee children in one of the non existent places on any political maps of the world. She apparently died in a riot that erupted in the camp when Christmas presents were getting distributed that year. A few years later, a film apparently was made to pay homage to her and show the world how insane the life in that part of world she lived in was. Ironically the actress who played her part in the film gained acclaim from a lot of critics and people of her fraternity. The actress gained renewal to her demising career and won a best actress award trophy. Not an Academy but a Golden Globe.

December 1st

I am scared, scared of the known and the unknown.
I don’t know what’s in hold
I used to be excited about the unseen day.
But I fear if I may have the might to hold it unfold in an unpleasant way...

huh..

I left some people behind. Do I miss them? Yes I do. Is it difficult to not remember them? Yes it is. And do I repent what I have done? Not at least yet. But somewhere inside I tend to think I have picked up some sort of an attitude, gown another layer to conceal the real me, I once used to be. Is that all necessary? A part of me answers affirmative. But another part is yelling for an attention to mourn the death of a genuine boy. Is this growth inevitable? I cannot comprehend that. But looking at other more successful people, I see that they did grow past some people. Rather they had to. Right now, I just feel like being in a vacuum where I am alone. I am not yet bringing any new people in to take place in my thoughts. Not that I am enjoying this phase. But I think it’s better to be alone and introspect than to share the void with the unsuitable, in any role.
This piece is directed at some people, singular or plural. However if you happen to read this, be sure its not you. Because I am sure one of those people this could have been directed towards, takes no joy in reading blogs, let alone for knowledge.

And thats another end to something..

I will submit my last due assignment tomorrow for the last course in this whole masters thing I took over. I didn’t feel a thing until now, but when I open the pages of my journals, I see how many people struggled to let me see a day like tomorrow and from how long.
I haven’t been a perfect student. Always hovered between average grades and never did cringe against. I think I never tried too hard for a better grade. Always lacked that passion within, a thirst to be competitive and zest to win some kind of a race. Not that I am trying to repent, however in a positive way, I think I became that student who remembers his past and vows never to repeat same mistakes again. Tests and assignments are meant to evaluate what a student knows and not what he doesn’t. I am trying to advocate my fallacies or in-capabilities lined with laziness over a period of time.
I honor all those friends and foes, teachers and passerby’s who inspired and helped me see this day. And above all that father who trusted his non performing son to invest his time, money and heart in.
To call it an End would not be very appropriate, as it has already begun to rain new challenges and devour new dreams and achievements. Just pray that I shan’t fall short of any of those.

End of my Happy-Day Meter

I have decided that I shall no more update my Happy Day Meter. I will cease its update on December 31, 08. I am still working on what will I have instead. Still unclear though. The Happy Day Meter has been going on since last four years. I found out that the yearly averages hovered between 6.52 to 6.94. The reason why I am finishing with it is not because I am bored with it. But because I have started to doubt its accuracy. It makes no sense to say that I was unhappy when it showed a 6.52 score and I was extra happy when it was 6.94.
The important things were:
My happiness was always between 6 and 7. (Which is normal for a normal Human being of course!)
I could easily spot my High and very low days easily with occasional 9 and 10s and Zeros of course!
It did show that after a high there is a series of lows which I started calling as psychological disappointment or whatever!
It still makes no sense to generalize the unseen element of life.
I will post my last year’s sheet on in here after 31st!

The November Forth

I think I have grown up a lot, not saying that with any pride. Just wondering if that evolved or the child died. When I used to see people leaving, I would feel like leaving with them. There was an urge to move around and not be settled at any place. Today I realize that those who are on an unplanned move are still a child I once used to be. But then there are catalysts which influence such a movement, and I still don’t have an idea how will I behave if any one of those catalysts come in contact with me. I am just taking time to learn to prioritize and keep my ambitiousness alive for the moment. And yeah, there is a lesson learnt on making my own blend of strength and tolerance, and attitude and arrogance. Speaking of arrogance, I think it is essential as well, and I am as of now at least too bad at it. I just tend to keep it quiet and pretend to be a little unfriendly to conceal something else, that something else could be another incapability. But I realize that I would not find a solution in excelling the art of concealing, however, if I master the art of appropriate expression, things might change, a little more in my favor.
Nevertheless, the struggle goes on. And this is not a complaint.

The November First

Here it goes... I m through with stories. Not that I don’t intend to write them anymore, but what is a blog all about? I prefer not to call it a story writing canvas. I don’t not intend to not write a story in future here (Quote me for a sentence formation of that sort!), however, this is my call to keep my blog alive with an effort that I am sort of not too bad at.
I saw one of the wettest days yesterday. And it’s meant to be a desert! The rumbling would not stop the whole day and it did interfere with my effort to fall asleep. At one stage it went so wild that I was confused if I was experiencing an earthquake or just (a little too loud) thunder! The vibrations got so loud that I woke up probably through my third attempt of some shut eye yelling "Mumma!"
Well I made Rice after a very long time later because that helps me with sleep. But it gave me too much energy and a little guilt, so I packed my newly bought extravagant thirty dollar water bottle and went for a jog in the rain and it felt good. Back at home or still a vibrating hut, I cleaned my red soiled shoes and took a shower and had my deserved proteins and an unexplainable chocolate bar.
I think I tried to put some Friends on, but the hot water shower put me to sleep and the alarm went off just in time to call it an end. Another night began and I came for work. I tried the geeky look tonight but I think I need to see a dentist. I am not too happy about the yellowing.
And it goes on, and I will make sure it does.

for being mad at and about...

for being mad at and about…

It was all about he being the egoistic, jealous man and he was put up with this not so sentimental but suspicious and super judgmental woman.
Rehan didn’t even know that he was falling in love with Anaida. Anaida had never been in love before and didn’t know what kind of a ‘yucki’ word Love was. When Rehan realized his ‘I miss her’ phase to be ‘I love her’ phase, he didn’t take any time to confess his feelings to Anaida. Anaida was thrilled in the beginning, but she did want it to happen. And she ultimately said the affirmative word. It went well for sometime, but Rehan and Anaida did not build the foundation of trust too strong yet, and that was going to pose a challenge in their relationship soon.
The distance ruled Rehan and Anaida’s relationship. They even followed a different time zone! But that didn’t pose a major problem. They would always find time for each other. But the personalities they were, the barriers soon started getting taller than their tolerance. Silly misunderstandings required hours of explanation and yucki love soon stared fading away. Rehan never wanted to build something where he had to explain things to Anaida. But the super judgmental and suspicious she was, nothing would satisfy her and she would need every minute detail. Even when Rehan would not answer a call, during his ‘daylight sleeping’, Anaida would assume that as a ‘draught in Affection Reservoir’ towards her.
One day Anaida somehow realized the need for more trust and wished to know Rehan more. Obviously she could not ask him directly, so she told him things about her first, expecting that Rehan shall follow. She did do some not so pleasant things in the past that only she knew about. She could have kept those things hidden throughout her life, but she only wanted to win Rehan’s trust. But in stead, Rehan had more doubts about those dangerous confessions. It was more of ‘why did you do what did you do.’ Anaida didn’t have answers for those questions. What she had done had been a forgettable momentary thing. And although she knew it was unethical, she didn’t expect the consequences to affect her this very way. Somewhere she had hurt Rehan’s ego. His jealousy was challenged. But Rehan did love Anaida. He did not want to loose her like that. He respected the courage she showed in admitting those facts. Externally he kept calm. Inside though, he was boiling. He decided to keep a verbal distance with Anaida for a while. Anaida ‘judged’ that act as now a ‘severe drought in love’. She only prayed to her God to settle things between her and Rehan…
Anaida during that time happened to read something on how Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s relationship went down the drain. She found something useful from that article that she read and she feared losing Rehan one more time that day.
According to what she read, there were three stages to love. The first stage was called the blind love. In that stage the ‘birds’ were said to have liked everything about each other. She realized that the drunken dancing videos Rehan had shown earlier had appeared to be ‘cute’ and then playing strip poker was ‘adorable’ no matter how much stupid did she think Rehan was at that stage to share his ‘embarrassment’. So did “Am I looking fat, Honey?” for the millionth time got a “No Sugar, you look just as ravishing!” for million plus one-nth time, Anaida realized that!
But then the second stage was going to be slightly different. It was not the easier part, and definitely not so smooth at all, she read, it was in the second stage when the ‘birds’ had to open their eyes for the rest of the world and start taking each other for granted, little by little. In this process the ‘birds’ still don’t know each other entirely. Anaida knew Rehan couldn’t tell how she liked her eggs done for breakfast the other time when she asked him. And when she went to buy him shoes to gift she didn’t know what size to buy, and compromised on a shirt as she knew that size well. But then the second stage was also prone to get boring as the presence was said to be a duty and not volunteership. The article said the second stage was longer than the first, and if successful the relationship could last eternally but if any relationship which had to terminate, it goes down in the drain in stage two.
Anaida feared that she wouldn’t have to take difficult decisions in near future, or Rehan’s non-speaking would continue for too long. Anaida introspected and found that she liked the magnetic spell Rehan had cast on her, which she couldn’t help but think about him every five minutes in her daytime and dream about him at night. And her madness about him had begun to grow but she puzzled if the things were same on the other side.
Anaida finally reached the third stage on the paper! The third stage sounded like music to her ears. It read that in the third stage, the two people know each other’s strengths and weaknesses and always think about each other’s preferences, and how their better half will react to a particular thing, not as a duty, but with instincts. In this stage, difficult topics wouldn’t be a problem for a discussion. Anaida remarked a closer example of her parent’s story which was going through a thin time when her elder sister was born. She thought her parents must have still been in second stage love back then. But today when she looks at them, the unconditional love that they have for each other is more than evident. Once on their long haul flight, Anaida’s Mother didn’t get her special gluten free, no sugar lunch. Anaida’s father made the flight attendant’s flight somewhat miserable back then. Both of them went without food for the entire journey, although Anaida’s father had no special dietary requirements.
Anaida wished Rehan would feel that much love and affection for her one day. But presently this was far from happening. The reality was that Anaida was mad about him, but in some ways, Rehan was mad at her. Anaida decided that she was not going to wait and watch the destiny play its game on them. She thought, if something has to happen, she would have to make an effort to change the situation. Maybe it was time for another confession, a confession to make Rehan realize how much he is thought upon and loved and to make him realize the worth of the smile on his face to her. She decided to tell this to Rehan the next time she would see him. Then she smiled at herself and thought about Rehan one more time and reached her phone to reach him…

(In my knowledge the article Anaida reads about does not exist. I read about that article in an entertainment magazine as part of a conversation which could have happened between Brad Pitt and one of his co-stars and built this fictional story.)

My Tribue to a famous actor who died...

Tribute

Vivek laid on the bed to rest for a while. It was around 6 PM, and Tushar just sat on a chair trying to think and understand and accept the reality. Like the sand falling off from a tight grip, the time was slipping away. Tushar could do nothing about that. Tushar loved watching sun sets. And it was about time for another one. But Tushar had no wish to see it demise off the horizons.
Vivek was done with most of his packing. All the very important journals and files suddenly had no meaning. Vivek’s hostel room had three boxes of garbage, most of that were books. Vivek and Tushar became good friends lately after a few clashes they had because of some misunderstandings. Vivek never really cared or made an attempt to bridge the gaps, but Tushar always wanted to get back to Vivek and he did everything he could. On this mid May evening, most of Vivek’s hostel mates had already left the hostel and went back to their places. Vivek had some issues with his reservation, and Tushar could never leave Vivek alone, he knew how Vivek hated being alone.
Suddenly, Vivek’s cell phone rang. Tushar grabbed it from the desk and reached Vivek. Vivek picked up the phone and started talking. It was some one from his place in Northern India, asking him, how they could go about picking him up from the railway station when he reaches there. The conversation had been going on for about ten minutes and it was still going well. Vivek was laughing and joking. Tushar gave that a blind eye. He wanted Vivek to be a little sad. Sad for he was leaving not only the College and the hostel, but also city and he may never come back. Tushar instantly corrected himself, Vivek could always come back, but he felt sad that Vivek would never be that hostel boy any more. Tushar tried to hide his sadness. He asked Vivek if he needed some coffee, turning back at him. Vivek said yes. They smoked while they had some coffee. By then it was 7.
Vivek called for a cab, and brought the entire luggage down the building with Tushar. They kept the bags in the bunk and strode off for Bombay Central terminal, from where he was suppose to take the train. The silence fell on both of them again. The only sound in the car was that of the car and the radio. The radio played one of the most romantic songs. Vivek started going back in some memories he wanted to avoid. He asked the driver to change the station. But then there was nothing good going on anywhere. So they decided to switch the radio off and the silence became even more prominent. Tushar kept thinking about Vivek. He had started getting a bit emotional. He was left only with memories that he had to cherish now. There weren’t going to be anymore realities now.
The cab entered the railway station soon. Vivek and Tushar got the luggage out. They still had some time, so they decided to go to a railway fast food place and picked up some take away for Vivek and they started walking towards the platform. Vivek held the luggage trolley and Tushar held the food. Vivek wanted to confirm his seat, so he left the trolley with Tushar and went to check the notice board. Tushar took a seat on a bench. He was silent once again. He was running out of words. He could no more think logically. The emotions had taken over and it was a major struggle to conceal the inner feelings and put up a happy face. He never knew acting, he never could. Tushar was the truest person. Engrossed in his thoughts, the taken away coke slipped out of his hands and fell on the station platform. Vivek got back just by then. In a microsecond, Tushar got back his conscience, and got up. Vivek asked him, if he was alright, and told him that he was going to get another drink.
Just as when Vivek got back from the stall, the train arrived on the platform. People crowded on the compartment’s doors to get their luggage and themselves in. Vivek rushed in as well. Vivek was behaving like just any other traveler, trying to sprint things out. Tushar helplessly stood out of the train, still holding the take away food in a paper bag. In some time, the door was no more that crowded, but stood there a girl crying her tears and holding her mother’s hand. Tushar could completely relate to that girl. Just by then Vivek seemed to have done keeping his bags in place, and came out to say a final goodbye to Tushar. Tushar looking at Vivek felt a little alive. He had thought that Vivek completely forgot him. He raised his hand and gave away the food in his hands to Vivek. Vivek stepped out of the train and took the bag from Tushar’s hands. Tushar sensed that something had changed inside Vivek. Vivek, in the most illegible way erupted one word, ‘Goodbye’ and hugged Tushar. ‘Goodbye’ said Tushar as well. Tushar realized that Vivek was in tears before him. Even before they could say anything more than just goodbyes, the train gave out a loud whistle. And Vivek rushed back into the train. And within moments the train was gone; it took away Vivek along and left Tushar with only memories. Memories only to cherish.